We Are Having a ...

GIRL!  Sadie is going to be a big sister!  We went into our "fun" ultrasound the Wednesday before Christmas thinking that maybe we were having a boy, but lo and behold, it is another girl!  Although having a boy would have been fun, I LOVE the idea of Sadie having a sister.  I have two older brothers and always thought it would have been great to have a sister too.

We are naming our little girl Keller Kathleen.  "Keller" was my grandmother's maiden name.  My grandma passed away a few years ago, but was one of my very favorite people in the world.  She was an amazing woman and grandma.  I loved her dearly.  "Kathleen" is my mom's name. She was so supportive of us when our last adoption failed and very instrumental to us moving in the direction of embryo adoption.  We wouldn't be pregnant today without her!

One issue with having another little girl is that our nursery is decorated for a boy!  Our last failed adoption was supposed to be a boy, so we had already set up the nursery.  My mom and I made the curtains ourselves and had the rocking chair recovered, so I really don't want to redo the whole thing.  I think I can transform it with a few minor touches, but it will take a little bit of work.  You can see the nursery in one of our previous posts here.  If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!  I am thinking of adding some fringe to the curtains and maybe some bird houses in the tree over the crib.  I will also add some bows and polka dots on the "Keller" letters.  At least the paint color is a neutral green!  I just wouldn't have gone with orange as the accent color.  Oh well.  

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!  We had a great time with my family and got to announce in person that we were having another girl.  Very fun!  Right now we are in the throws of potty training Sadie and I feel like I want to cry.  It is tough work doing the potty training in a day method.  I am exhausted!!

Love to you all,
Tracey

16 weeks this Friday

Merry Christmas everyone!  It has been so fun tracking with all of you through your journeys.  We have such an amazing God!  I love this time of year and I love it even more being pregnant! : )  Since I haven't posted in awhile, I will try to catch you up on current events....

After my last post with our progesterone dropping significantly, I returned to taking PIO shots once per day for a week and then had my levels taken again.  The level shot up from 17.1 to 87!  So, the NEDC nurse told me that I could stop the shots again.  They believe it was a lab mistake and didn't even make me get tested again after stopping the shots.  A little scary, but grateful that I didn't have to go in again for more labs.  And SO very happy to have GRADUATED!  Yay!

Our NT scan came back negative for chromosomal issues, but I still have to get my blood drawn one more time when I get my 20 week u/s done so that they can compare.  We don't feel it would be likely that this child would have any chromosomal issues only because the mother was only 19!  We mostly wanted to get the scan done because it was another opportunity to see our baby : )  Here is a picture of our little pumpkin (a little sideways - too tired to rotate, but you get the idea!)

We have an ultrasound that our midwife's practice calls the "fun ultrasound" where you can come in and find out the gender for $50 next Wednesday, the 22nd.  We normally would have just waited for our 20 week u/s, but my whole family is coming in for Christmas, so we thought it would be fun to tell them in person what we will be having.  My parents are coming in for the ultrasound too, so it should be an exciting day!  I am looking forward to it.

I am officially wearing maternity pants now.  I am VERY long waisted, so I am still not showing much, but I definitely have a big bump and the people who know me best can tell that something is sticking out! : )  My Gap maternity jeans are definitely one of my favorite pair of pants now.  Those and some wide-leg capri pants I wear to bed every night that were lent to me by a friend.  I think I will wear maternity pants after I am no longer pregnant.  ha!

I am definitely feeling a TON more energy now and I haven't had any nausea in weeks.  Very grateful!  I have been trying to exercise just about every morning as I have heard it helps in labor.  If labor is like a marathon, I definitely need some training!  We are planning on having a natural birth in water, so I know that I need to be in shape!  Or at least it will help.  We are meeting with a doula tomorrow night to hear about her services.  A couple of my friends have used this doula and love her.  They also had water births and assured me that I could do it naturally.  We will see!  Kinda scary!

Lastly, we got a bill a couple of weeks ago from the NEDC for storage fees for the remaining embryos that are siblings of our unborn baby.  My husband and I have had a hard time knowing what to do.  If we were younger, this would be a super easy decision, but I am 41 now and will be 42 when this baby is born.  So, we would be about 44 if we got pregnant and gave birth to an additional sibling.  We already have another child through domestic adoption, so we will have two when this baby is born.  But, we would love to have a sibling!  We talked with the embryologist today and I asked her if we would be able to "find" another couple of give the embryos to in case we decide not to use them.  She said that as long as the couple met their requirements and went through their process, that we would be able to do that.  Great news!  So, at least if we don't use the embryos ourselves, maybe we could find a couple that we could have a relationship with so that the siblings could know one another.  We have another year to make all these decisions and that makes it a bit easier.

Quite the Scare

After being off of all of my meds (the Estrace and PIO shots) for a week, I had labs drawn to make sure my levels were still good.  Well, the NEDC called me on Monday to tell me that my Progesterone level went from 57 down to 17.1.  They want the level above 40.  Not good.  So, they wanted me back on the shots and to go and get another ultrasound.  They were concerned that something happened to the baby, thus making my level go way down.  Fortunately, I had just had our 12 week screening ultrasound on the same day my levels were drawn and the baby was fine.  I told the nurse this info and she went and spoke with the doctor and then let me know that we didn't need another ultrasound then, but that we would get more labs in a week after starting the shots again.  After getting off of the phone with her, a bit of panic set in.  I still felt pretty certain that I was still pregnant, but I ended up calling my OB on Wednesday to see if they wanted me to come in with this new news.  I really hated worrying the whole holiday weekend about it.  As soon as I called my doctor, they wanted me to come in ASAP for a scan.  I was grateful for prompt attention, yet also nervous since they seemed to take it as somewhat of an emergency.  None the less, I went in immediately, my husband met me there in case it was bad news, and we got our second scan in less than a week.  And of course, our baby was alive and kickin' like crazy : )  Very, very grateful!!

All of this craziness definitely has made me more appreciative of the pregnancy (not that I wasn't already!) and also makes taking the shots not so difficult again.  Fortunately, I only have to take one shot a day instead of two as well.  They are thinking that I may be on them for another week or two tops.  Hope that's true!

On another note, I am now 13 weeks and my nausea has completely vanished and I feel like I am getting a second wind of energy.  Woo hoo!

Lastly, at our scan last Friday, we asked our tech to take a guess at what she thought the gender of the baby is and she thought it looked like a boy.  She said it was still 50/50 as she couldn't see the "full package", but thought it looked like a boy.  We would be thrilled either way, but since we have a girl, I know my hubby would love to have a boy.  Not to mention, our nursery is already set up for a boy since our last failed adoption was supposed to be Sadie's birth brother.  It would be great to not have to change it at all.

I hope you all have had a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of thankfulness for God's blessings.  We have a lot to be grateful for!

My Last PIO Shot!

I have really wanted to post a blog this past week, but keep finding that I have no energy to do much of anything, including blogging!  I faithfully read every one of your posts and am tracking with everyone's journey.  Sorry that I haven't been commenting much.  Please know that I am praying for you guys!

I was able to start weaning last Monday from the PIO shots and Estrace, which made me extremely happy. My rear-end has definitely taken a beating!  My husband was having a hard time finding a place to give me the shot due to bruising and lumps.  Going down to 1/2 cc instead of 1cc for every shot definitely helped.  I got my blood drawn again on Thursday to see if the baby's placenta was sufficiently taking over the hormone production and got the news yesterday that I could stop taking the PIO shots! I was so happy, I got teary-eyed!  Unfortunately, my Estradiol level did not come back with the lab report, so I am still taking the pills until I get clearance to stop on Monday.

I have had a lot of queasiness in the late afternoons and evenings, but last week was much better.  My main symptom right now is fatigue.  I literally take about a 1-2 hour nap while Sadie, my daughter, naps and have been falling back to sleep around 7-7:30pm!  I usually will wake up around 10 or 10:30pm and then go back to sleep for the night around 11pm.  It is completely crazy.  The hard thing about it is that I don't have the time or energy to be productive at the house or just spend time with my husband!  My house is a mess and I haven't ironed any clothes in weeks.  My poor hubby has picked up a TON of my slack.  I am VERY appreciative of how he has not complained at all.  I think he sees how physically miserable I have been.  I am definitely not complaining as we are so very grateful for the miracle that is producing all of these symptoms, but we will still be pretty darn happy when this trimester is over!

My belly is starting to protrude a tad bit.  It looks like I have just eaten one brownie too many : )  I can't wait to wear some maternity pants and have the extra room and elastic!  I go into our OBGYN next Friday to get the 12 week screening ultrasound.  We are looking forward to seeing our baby again!  

9 Week Ultrasound

I've been pretty quiet on the blogging-front recently.  A lot to do with feeling queasy most everyday and super tired.  The time I have to accomplish things is usually during my daughter's nap-time and that time has now become my nap-time too!  The evenings have been pretty miserable with on and off nausea which usually starts when I get up from my nap.  All well worth the reason, of course!  : )

Our 9 week ultrasound was this morning and we are happy to say that the baby is measuring exactly 9w0d, which is what I am today!  The heartbeat was 168, so we are thrilled!  It was really fun to see the baby moving a little bit on the screen.  I still can't believe I have a little baby in there!

This ultrasound was done in the practice we are using moving forward.  We decided to use a practice called Gifts of Grace.  They are a Christian-based practice with 2 midwives and a perinatologist.  A lot of my friends have used them and love them.  I think I am interested in water birthing, so we will see.  I have a lot of time to think about all of that!

I am still fitting into most of my clothes, but got a couple of things at a maternity store this past week.  A good friend sent me home with some of her maternity clothes, which all fit me minus the big belly!  And another friend also told me I could borrow some of her's as well, so I think I will be set!

That's it for now!  Hope all is well with everyone.  Can't wait to hear more ultrasound reports!

We have a heartbeat!!

Just wanted to let you all know the great news : )  Dr. K was happy with all of my measurements and the heartbeat, so we are thrilled!  I can't begin to express how surreal all of this is.  We are so incredibly grateful to God for allowing us this amazing gift and blessing.

After seeing Dr. K, Jeff and I headed out towards Asheville, NC to spend the weekend at the Biltmore.  I am quickly posting now that we have arrived at our hotel, but hope to get a picture or video up here soon.

We are grateful for everyone's prayers!!

6-Week Ultrasound

We have our first ultrasound this Friday!  Crazy thing is that we will be going up to Tennessee to have it done at the NEDC clinic.  We could only find one clinic in Atlanta who would do the U/S and they were going to charge $650.  Because we are out-of-state monitoring patients, they would not run it through our insurance so that we could get our insurance's contracted rate.  I really don't understand it all, but the NEDC said that if we came there, they could use our insurance.  Yay!  Jeff and I had already made plans to go to the Biltmore in Asheville, NC this weekend, so now we are just taking a little extra side trip : )  Our appointment is at 1:30pm.

I have to say that I am a bit anxious about the appointment.  I really don't want to be disappointed.  It would be so painful to have come this far and then it not work out.  I am trying to just celebrate the pregnancy every day until/unless God reveals something new to me.  Hard to do at times!  It will definitely give me a huge confidence booster to see our baby's heartbeat.

I will let you guys know about the appointment as soon as I can!

Giving Myself PIO Shots

I thought I'd share with you that I have actually given myself 3 shots now!  This trend all started because my husband will be out of town next week and I was trying to figure out who or how I was going to get my shots.  So, I finally decided that maybe I could do it myself.  And sure enough, it wasn't too hard at all! The left side is much harder because of having to use my left hand to administer the shot, but the right side was pretty simple.  I am feeling pretty proud of myself about now : )  My husband will still do the majority of the shots, but at least I now know that in a bind, I can do it.

I am sure everyone is already praying for Ashley today as she is expecting her Beta.  Sorry that I got the date messed up on my previous post.  Hopefully, it didn't cause much confusion.  : )  Praying for 4 for 4!

List of Betas this Week

Hey EA friends,

I just thought I would research the exact dates for each of your Betas this week so that I could pray specifically instead of generally.  Here is the list in case it helps others to pray too!  Please add to the list, if I have forgotten anyone.  Thanks!

Britney - Tuesday, 9/27
Ashley - Wednesday, 9/29
Jennifer - Friday, 10/1
Lisa - Friday, 10/1
Em - Monday, 10/4

Praying, praying, praying for 100% positives!

In the Waiting

Funny thing about getting a positive pregnancy is that I thought the "waiting" would be over, but it really isn't.  It is just the beginning in some ways.  Once I found out that I was pregnant, I waited for the first beta number to ensure that it was looking good.  After that number was great, I then began waiting to see if my second beta was going to look equally as good.  Each step just brings me to another "waiting" period. Now I am waiting on the ultrasound to make sure our baby is still growing and has a heartbeat.  I have seen so many other women's journeys through this process, that I know we are not out of the woods yet.  Don't get me wrong - I am beyond belief THRILLED that we are pregnant and am celebrating what God has revealed to us thus far.  I just know that my life and journey to adopt/have children has always been full of twists and turns.  I never know just what God is up to.


In light of all of this, I thought I would answer another blogger friend's questions regarding the 2WW.  I know many of you have already filled it out and I loved hearing your hearts and getting encouraged by the Scripture you were clinging onto during this time.  So, here it goes...

1. What Scripture are you holding close to these days?


Luke 1:38 "'I am the Lord's servant,' Mary answered. 'May it be me as you have said'."
The reason I love this verse (it needs to be my life verse) is that I want to have Mary's attitude.  This verse reminds me that I am here to carry out the Lord's purposes, not vice versa.  It humbles me and challenges me to think eternally and not wordly.  

2. What is your biggest challenge right now?


Not "feeling" pregnant some days and wondering if we will make it through the first trimester.  All of this feels very surreal!  I think that during my actual 2ww, my biggest challenge was obsessing about all of my symptoms and googling excessively.  I went a little looney : )

3. What is DH like in the 2WW?


He was great during the 2ww.  He was always positive and doting.  However, at times he did seem a bit emotionally distant in regards to our transfer.  When I shared that with him, he admitted to me that he didn't want to get emotionally attached to the idea because he was scared of being disappointed.  (I share this with you with his permission!)



4. Now that you have gone through your FET, what one piece of advice can you share that you wish you knew/did?


I wish I knew about the alcohol wash in the middle of the transfer.  Dr. K said, "This is the part you are going to hate me for." and I was thinking, "What?  No one ever mentioned that there was anything painful during the transfer!"  It would have been nice knowing what to expect.  


I also wish that I had trusted God more, sat back and enjoyed the wonderful adventure, and googled less! : )  



5. How can we pray for you specifically?  


I would love prayers for God's peace to rule my heart and mind during this first trimester wait.  (and beyond!)  I sincerely desire to enjoy the ride that God has me on and enjoy every minute regardless of what happens.  I would also love for you to pray that my life would emulate my Scripture verse above.  


Our ultrasound will be in the next couple of weeks.  We are a little set back in that our fertility clinic here won't do the ultrasound now that we are officially pregnant.  They said that it is a liability issue since we aren't being seen by one of their doctors.  So, the nurses are trying to figure out where to send me.  I might be going to see my own OBGYN, but we aren't sure yet.  I will keep you all posted!


I am so thrilled by our pregnancy and Krisa's!  I am praying like crazy for the rest of you!!  

2nd Beta Number is...

280!  Yeah!!  Next step - ultrasound.  I will post more later when I have a bit more time, but wanted to share the good news.  So grateful for this blessing!

And the Beta is...

... 88!!!!  

Nurse Mary says that anything over 50 is a good number this early in the game.  Yippee!!  I, of course, didn't miss a beat with my obsessive test-taking either, so here is my darker line this morning.  Can't wait to find out how Monday goes!  Praying for all of your Betas coming in next week : )

Still growing!

Just thought I'd share the updated picture from this morning.  It was the first time the line showed up immediately!  Yippee!  Can't wait to get my beta number tomorrow.  : )

I love seeing that line get darker!

Symptoms...

A few people have asked what my 2ww symptoms have been.  Now, before I answer, I have to say that in researching other blogs and forums, it seems like many of my symptoms ended up in a pregnancy and some of them didn't.  I really didn't know what to make of them because it appeared that everyone was different!  I found myself obsessing about every symptom and wanting to lose myself in blogging/checking forums for some answer.  It wasn't until Sunday that I was kneeling before the Lord and immediately upon doing so, felt convicted that I was trusting in symptoms, grading, you name it rather than in God Himself who is the giver and taker of life!  I was sobbing because it was so vulnerable for me to go to and ask the Lord to bless us with a pregnancy, not knowing if He would respond as we would hope.  So this was our conversation:

God:  "Tracey, do you believe that I want to give you good gifts?"
Me: (in total tears) "Yes, Lord, I do ultimately believe that.  I have no where else to turn."
God:  "Then trust in ME."

Our path to building our family has been full of pain and disappointment, but I can honestly say that I have yet to be disappointed with God.  His gifts are always good even when they don't feel like it!  I would never have desired to have the adoption of Sadie's birth sibling fail, but God was right there with me, comforting and loving me through it.  It is also what led us to embryo adoption.  And being pregnant is a dream too good to be true!!  It is so much more than I could ever have hoped or asked for. He is SO good and faithful. I was grateful for the Lord's reminder that my hope is in Him and not my circumstances.  I know that even if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage, I can trust God who has the VERY best in store for us and loves us more than I can even fathom.  I share all of this because I would imagine that we all struggle to some degree in this gray area of not knowing how God will answer.  And for many of you who have been disappointed again and again, it is hard to be vulnerable knowing that it could again end up in heartache.  I pray that our eyes will stay focused on Jesus and that His name would be glorified through our circles of influence as we trust Him with whatever outcomes we may experience.  But, I still want all of us to be preggo!!! : ) : )

Now that I am done sharing what God has done through my symptoms, I can share what they actually are because I know that it is encouraging for others.  Just remember that SO many people don't have any symptoms at all!

1.  Major cramping on the day of and the day after the transfer.  I believe that it was probably the little embryo warriors implanting!
2.  Mild cramping on and off through the rest of this week.
3.  Little twinges here and there.
4.  A tad bit nauseous a couple of days.
5.  A little bit of heartburn a couple of days.
6.  I started having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night every night on Sunday, which I never used to do. 

A lot of symptoms!  Kinda crazy!  It does kinda help to feel like something good is going on down there, but while waiting I seriously wondered if I was just miscarrying or if it was the hormones.  Really hard to tell with some of it.

I know that I don't really know each of my EA blogging friends, but I love you anyway!  I am praying that each of you gets a positive test!  It has been such a sweeter journey traveling with those who understand : )

Well... I think...

... we are pregnant!!!  Yes, I have been secretly POAS the past 3 days.  The first morning was Monday morning at 4am (yes, I have been waking up needing to go to the bathroom every night, which is very unlike me - good pregnancy sign!)  I waited the 3 minutes and was staring at just one line.  I wasn't highly disappointed because I knew that it was very early to be testing.  Then, came Tuesday morning.  Again, 4am and I am up in the bathroom.  As I began watching the test during the 3 minute wait, I started seeing a very faint line appear farther to the left of the control line than I had originally anticipated.  I wiped my eyes (it was 4am and I was pretty groggy!) and looked again.  Yes!  I think there just might be a line there!  So, I went and grabbed the test from the day before to compare and sure enough... I saw the line!  I immediately begin crying and praising God.  I then wake sweet hubby up to give him the fabulous news and to make sure that I am not seeing things.  He came and looked at the two tests and says, "I can see a VERY faint line - even fainter - on yesterday's test too!  Sure enough, if you REALLY strain, you can see a shadow of a line on the 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer) test too!  Although, you won't be able to see it in the picture below.

The glorious beautiful faint pink line! : )

I am taking one every day until Friday to see that faint line get darker.  Sure enough, this morning's didn't let me down.  Grateful!

We know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but grateful and celebrating for today!  Praying like crazy that we get an awesome Beta on Friday and that all of you reading (who are desiring and trying) get pregnant too!!!

All I Can Do is Worship...

in order to keep me sane during this 2ww : )

I thought I would copy a link to this song by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What".  Oh my goodness, I cry every time I listen!  I found it on another blogger's site.  Hope it encourages/uplifts those of you in the 2 week wait!!

Embies on Board!

Well, we are back from Tennessee and trying to relax.  Not so easy with a 22 month old who has been missing her mama!  I thought I'd go ahead and document for you all my experience with the transfer and the symptoms I have experienced since.

On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me.  Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw.  I was so sad to hear this news.  They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs.  So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night.  I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now.  And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.

We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep.  A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind.  But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15.  I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed!  I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car.  When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat.  : )

Drinking WAY too much water!

They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while.  In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably.  I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well.  But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby.  I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!

Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos.  They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it.  The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC.  I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC.  I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant.  But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!

4AB on top and 3BC bottom

Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick.  Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better.  Yay!  He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us.  So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.

I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom.  My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor.  I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!!  Ha.

We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat.  I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point.  I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out!  And the cramping was still going strong.  Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping.  From what I understand, it is pretty normal.  However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy.  Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better.  Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out.  So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.

Krisa and Byron

Me and Krisa

First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us.  The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace.  The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there.  We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something!  Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous.  We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us.  What a sweet blessing!  Grateful to have met them through this journey.  We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to.  Small world!

So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy.  I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges".  My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend.  I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though.  I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine.  Any thoughts?

My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday.  Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions??  Ha.

Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!

A New Path...

It has been a LONG time since I last blogged.  I think the trauma of the last failed adoption left me a little gun shy about sharing all of my news with the world.  However, Jeff and I are still trying to add to our family and we are now on a new path... embryo adoption!  I have so appreciated being able to read other family's blogs regarding their embryo adoptions that I feel the need to put myself out there again too.  I love community and being able to process this journey with others who are going through the same thing is definitely helpful.

Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic.  You can read more about them and embryo adoption here.  I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer.  This time next week I could be pregnant!  Isn't that crazy?  We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity.  We will see how He decides in the next few weeks.  The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God.  Grateful again to have learned this truth.

"Do not repay evil with evil...but with blessing." 1 Peter 3:9

I called Janie on Monday.  I had been thinking about her a lot over the week and didn't feel comfortable with the police showing up at her door and telling them that we pressed charges against her.  I felt that the right thing to do was for me to tell her what was going on and why.  I wanted her to hear it directly from me.  I didn't want her to think that we were pressing charges because we were still seething in anger.  I can honestly say that Jeff and I are not trying to "pay them back" or anything like that.  We just feel that it is probably the most loving option we have, and I wanted to tell her so.  Without them having some kind of consequences with all of this, we aren't assured that they won't do it again nor are we assured that it won't get even worse.  They are definitely headed down the wrong path.

So, I called Janie and let her know about cooperating with the authorities and, at the same time, offered my friendship to her if she agreed to come clean with me and stop telling lies.  When we originally found out about the fraud, I told her that I would be there for her regardless of whether or not we received the child.  What I meant by that was that if she chose to repent and go in the direction of God, I would not leave her and would walk through whatever repercussions she might face,  regardless of what that meant for us.  She said ok and was grateful, but still told us that she planned on placing the child with us.  Well, obviously, she didn't come completely clean with me after that point.  So, I decided that I needed to give her one more chance for honesty and forgiveness.

The conversation actually went pretty well.  I told her that in order for me to walk through this with her, she needed to be honest with me.  That I didn't have friends who consistently lie to me.  When I told her that my friendship might not sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially since we are working with the authorities, she said, "Actually, it is" and she said that she understood why I was continuing to press charges.  She confessed to me that she knew the baby was a girl since December 21st and knew they wouldn't place the child with us at that point.  I told her that I had forgiven her, but that it was between me and God, and that I still wasn't sure if she was genuinely repentful for what she had done.  Much of the conversation was allowing her to express the truth about the situation to me including the drug use, which I think brought her some relief.  I also continued to encourage her that I had been forgiven of much worse and that God had brought me out of a huge pit and can do the same for her.  She cried through much of our hour-long conversation, but I still don't completely believe that she is broken before God.  Please pray with me that they begin taking the right steps towards humility and brokenness.

The verse that has been on my mind a lot recently has been 1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." I absolutely know in my heart that if this all had happened before I was a believer in Christ, that I would just write Janie off and maybe even try to make her life really miserable.  I can't begin to tell you how gracious God's forgiveness is that He allows me to be free from any bitterness or anger towards them even to the point of desiring to bless them!  I know that in my own little black heart, this would not be possible.  But, God living in me is much different!!!

One of the thoughts I have been having recently is that I can be free from anger with Janie and Michael partly because I know that they are not the ones preventing me from coming home with that little girl.  I believe that God is in control of all things, including man's evil intentions.  He uses everything to work out His own purposes.  His purpose will prevail no matter what plans are in the hearts of men.  This concept is so easily shown in Genesis through the story of Joseph and his brothers.  If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read it all (it is fascinating!) in Gen 37-50.  Joseph's brothers sold him to slave traders because they were jealous of him.  Through many miraculous events, he ends up as ruler over all Eygpt, which put him in the best situation to later preserve his brother's lives, save Egypt, and prepare the way for the beginning of the nation of Israel.  One of Joseph's famous quotes after his brothers came and threw themselves at his feet begging for mercy is, "Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Janie and Michael intended to harm us, but I am resting in the fact that God is managing every detail of my life in order to work out His MUCH greater purposes.  "All of ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" Psalm 25:10

The tension for Jeff and I is that Janie and Michael have 3 boys and now this little baby girl, Makalie, to take care of.  At times it is hard for us to reconcile all of this, but we know that our God is a big God and is able to work all of this out for good regardless of whether or not they go to jail.  They do have a lot of family who live next door and down the street.  We know that Janie's mom (who died 1 1/2 years ago) took the boys when Janie was in jail a few years ago.  I just know that if they are back into drugs, the children may be better off in another home anyway.  I just hate that innocent children are in the middle of all of this drama.  Please pray with me that the Lord protects their little hearts.

New Revelations

We received a call from a social worker on Tuesday who told us that Janie's baby tested positive for drugs. This news shocked me!  Janie was completely drug-free with Sadie.  No drugs.  No alcohol.  Nothing.  And she had told me several times that she had never used drugs or alcohol.  I didn't have a reason not to believe her because Sadie was drug-free.

This news really sent me for a loop, but it also helped to explain a lot of things and actually made me feel better somehow.  I am now thinking that the extra money went towards drugs, not this extortion theory she had originally told me.  Or, if she was being extorted at all, it was probably drug-related.

I also got a phone call from the agency worker in Massachusetts who told me that they were now going to press charges.  They were originally going to let it go, if they had placed the baby with us.  I spoke with the Commonwealth attorney in Lawrence County who heard my story and then asked me who the couple was.  I said, "Janie and Michael Y...." to which he replied, "I unfortunately know them."  Ugh.

The attorney put me in touch with a detective, who wanted all of our information including voice mails and receipts.  That detective is also collecting information from the agency.  He told me that they would probably be picking them up in the next couple of weeks as soon as he can sort through the evidence.  What they did is a felony and punishable for up to 5 years.

It feels better to have moved through that portion of this journey, but I also feel somewhat conflicted.  I really don't have any anger or bitterness towards them anymore.  The imaginary conversations in my head are completely gone.  I do believe that I am moving towards forgiveness.  The saddest part for me is that they have 3 boys at home and now a precious little girl whom they may not see for a good long while.  It just breaks my heart for their children.  Plus, I truly believe that Janie is a believer and has a relationship with God.  I continually pray that she will repent of the way she is going and turn back to Him.  I also pray for an opportunity to extend forgiveness to her so that she may tangibly experience the forgiveness of God.  I know in my heart that I am no better or different than them and am grateful for a God who has forgiven me of much worse.

While I hate to see them have to suffer the consequences of their sin, I also know that it often takes us having to be in the pit before we will turn to God.  This is how it was for me.  So, I am trusting that this is not the end of the story.  I pray that I get to see redemption on this side of eternity.

The biggest thing I need prayer for now is grieving the loss of the baby.  Being at my parent's house helps to ease the pain, but I know I will need to go back home this weekend.  The thought of being at the house and getting on with daily life seems hard to me.  I covet your prayers as we move towards that transition.  And prayers as we determine next steps to add to our family.

We love you all and are so grateful for your love and encouragement!

How Great is Our God!

Thank you all so very much for the outpouring of prayers and encouragement.  I have been feeling much stronger today and am so grateful.  I absolutely know, without a doubt, that your prayers have been holding me up.  Yesterday, I was fearing having to be alone today at the house, but after I cried on Jeff's shoulder this morning immediately following "Good morning", he asked his boss for another couple of days off. He says he has never seen me this way with so many emotional swells.  I guess I don't think I have ever felt this way either. So, with the extra days off, we headed out to my parent's house on the lake and began gaining strength upon leaving the house.

I promised to share more details of the weekend journey.  Bear with me -  it is a long one.  Lots of craziness to share : )

Friday afternoon Janie called me several times, but I hadn't heard the phone.  I finally heard her 4th call, but missed it before I could pick up.  I called back the number she called on and Three Rivers Medical Center picked up, the place where she was to deliver the baby.  I began to assume that Janie had gone into labor, but when I asked to speak to her, they told me she wasn't there.  While I was on the phone with them, she beeped in again, so I clicked over.  Why on earth was the hospital telling me that she wasn't a patient there?  She proceeded to tell me that she had gone in for a sonogram and that she found out she was having a girl, not a boy, and that Michael now wanted to keep it since it was a girl.  Janie had called me on Christmas Day to tell me that she was having a boy.  So, it all seemed very odd to all of a sudden be switching.  I think that it is somewhat common to make a mistake and think a baby is a girl and then it turn out to be a boy, but not the opposite!  Plus, she had been telling me recently that she felt that everything with the adoption would probably be ok as long as the baby was a boy.  Those comments all seemed weird to me now that the baby suddenly switched genders.  I told her very bluntly that she would need to sign a HIPPA agreement so that we could see her medical records for us to substantiate anything that she was saying.  And, of course, she made a lot of excuses why that might not be the best idea.  It was heartbreaking because at that moment I definitely knew she had probably been lying to me all along.

After getting off of the phone with her, I began processing what she was saying and I couldn't get the background sound from where she was calling out of my head.  I knew she was calling from the hospital, but I was assuming that she was calling from some phone outside of wherever she had her sonogram.  However, behind her voice was the beeping of a monitor and the sound of people talking, like on a TV.  It began to occur to me that she was at the hospital in a room and most likely had already had the baby.  I just couldn't shake the feeling.  Jeff had gotten home shortly after I spoke with her and so I urged him that we needed to go up to KY to find out what was going on.  At the time, my main purpose was to go to the hospital to see if she was there and to make sure that she wasn't working with yet another agency.  I couldn't handle knowing that the baby might be placed elsewhere.  We didn't have a great plan from there, but knew we had to figure all of this out and get some sort of truth!

We took Sadie to my parents house Friday night and went to sleep so that we could wake up early the next morning.  The drive to KY is about 9 1/2 hours.  We woke up at 4am and I called the hospital again.  My hope was that the night shift would be a bit more relaxed and I might get more information from them.  Jackpot.  I called and asked for Janie.  The operator said, "Hold on a minute please." She then came back and asked who was calling.  What hospital does that??  I said, "Tracey." She then said, "Hold on another minute."  When she came back several minutes later, she said, "We don't have anyone by that name here."  At that moment, I knew with every ounce of my being that she was there.  Being a nurse, I know that patients can ask for complete confidentiality and force the hospital to tell anyone who calls that they aren't there.

Jeff and I loaded up the car and headed out at 5am.  Around 6am, I realized that Janie had called me from the hospital again.  She left a message and told me that they (the hospital) told her that we had called.  She said she hoped it meant that I wasn't angry with her anymore (is she crazy?) and that she would call me again later.  I later found out that she was heavily sedated on a pain pump from the c-section.  She probably wasn't thinking clearly when she called me back that morning.  We were so grateful to have our confirmation that she was there.  So, our main goal became to make sure that she wasn't working with another agency.  We still couldn't figure out why she would lie to us about the delivery unless it was because there was another adoptive family there and didn't want us there to find out.

While driving up there, we were trying to call our attorney, whom we could not reach.  He was out of town for a funeral.  We felt pretty alone in our journey and not really sure how to go about what we wanted to accomplish.  Our thinking was that we would talk with a hospital administrator and tell them what was going on and to ask them to tell us what we needed to do to find out whether a 3rd party was involved.  Janie finally called again around 12pm and we went 'round and 'round with lies upon lies.  I truly just couldn't believe it was coming to this.  But, she did finally admit that she had the c-section and that she was in the hospital.  She lied again and said that after the sonogram, her blood pressure went up and they did an emergency c-section.  The main thing I kept telling her was that she would need to give us a HIPPA release or else we would most likely go to the police to press charges.  She kept hedging on that request and saying that she didn't understand why I didn't just believe her.  It was horrible.

When we got to the hospital, we figured out pretty fast that we wouldn't be able to just walk in with anonymity.  It is probably a 40 bed hospital.  So, while sitting in the parking lot after driving 9 1/2 hours, we didn't have much of a plan!  But, I just KNEW that we needed to be there.  So, we decided to call the hospital and talk with a social worker.  She was REALLY nice and apologetic, but told us that she couldn't give us any information.  Road block.  So, we decided that we would just go ahead and call Janie and tell her that if she wasn't working with another agency, that she should be ok with us coming up to visit her.  She replied that is was fine with her, but that her family was there at the moment.  Could we come back that night?  She then proceeded to tell me that her Dad was just about to walk out to his car right then.  He had just left her room to go and find Michael.  She said, "You will probably see him going to his red truck!"  She was talking like we were old friends again, which I found interesting since we had just had a very tense conversation 2 hours before.  I again later found out that she was heavily sedated and actually thought that it might be a dream that we had been there.  But, we drove around to the front of the hospital and saw her Dad, brother, and oldest son walking out of the hospital.  I hadn't realized the implications at first, but seeing Jaydan (her son) confirmed for me that she wasn't working with another agency.  I absolutely knew that she wouldn't have her son there if she was placing the child for adoption. She was actually celebrating with her family.

This celebration with family coming to the hospital is what did me in emotionally.  During the conversation with Janie, I heard her baby girl cry.  I couldn't get it out of my head as we were heading out from the hospital.  It started to dawn on me that she lied to me about having the baby because she hadn't ever planned on placing it with us.  Instead, she planned on having her own family there to celebrate and welcome their little girl into the world.  It all seemed so cruel and unjust.  It was the first time I broke down into gut wrenching sobs.

Jeff and I took a short drive to Ashland, KY to check-in to a hotel there as we were planning on going back to see Janie later that night.  But, on the way to the hotel, we drove past the hospital where Sadie was born and I asked Jeff to pull over.  It was a beautiful day out and I really desired to walk the path between the hospital and the Hospitality House where we stayed while Sadie was in the NICU.  There is just something divine about that hospital for me and I wanted to be reminded of God's goodness in the midst of this tragedy we were walking through.  So, we walked through the hospital, up to the NICU where we had walked so many times to see Sadie, and then down to the cafeteria to a table we sat at many times to look out over a park that was situated next door.  Being in that hospital moves me.  It is where we met and fell in love with our precious Sadie Grace and where we fell more deeply in love with our Savior.  It is where God met us in such amazing ways and where the body of believers - you! - ministered to us time and time again through your phone calls, care packages, emails, and cards.  We entered a huge battle of faith at the hospital there and gained ground.  Not because we walked away with Sadie Grace, but because we had surrendered our will to God's and decided that He was most certainly all we needed and more.  And most of the time meant it : )  And yet He DID choose to give us our best gift through that experience.  We are humbled and so grateful.  We know that we don't deserve anything and are truly grateful for any blessing He chooses to pour out on us.

As we sat in the cafeteria it dawned on me that it was God's perfect timing and grace to allow me to see Janie's family leave the hospital.  It not only confirmed that they weren't working with another agency, but also helped bring me some resolution and closure.  Not that the resolution was what I wanted, but resolution none-the-less.  We decided that we didn't want to see Janie, Michael and the baby as it would cause too much emotional pain for us and so we started heading back to Georgia.

On the way back home, a good friend from our small group was at church Saturday evening and texted us.  She said that they were worshipping and heard a song that reminded them of us and so they taped part of it and sent it to us in the text.  I clicked on the song and "How Great is Our God" began to play.

If you haven't heard the song, you can listen to it here.

Again, another gift from God.  That song ALWAYS reminds me of another couple (I'll call L and S as it is late and I haven't asked if I can post their story yet!) we know in one of our previous small groups whose full-term baby died on her due-date.  The entire small group was at the hospital as they were preparing to deliver the baby.  She asked me if I would bring my CD player and "How Great is Our God" song to the hospital so that they could play it while they delivered the baby.  We all waited outside of the delivery room and after they delivered the baby, S came out to let us know how it went.  I honestly can't put into adequate words the look on his face as he explained what happened in the room.  He told us how beautiful the baby was and with a look of wonder, surprise, gratefulness and hope, exclaimed, "I have so much PEACE!  I have so much PEACE!"  It still gives me chill bumps just typing those words out.  I think it is by far one of the most divine moments I have ever experienced.  We know that God sent us that song as a reminder of His goodness, grace, peace and hope in the midst of this tragedy.  That is SO like God.  He is a God of wonders.

I've got more to share, but I am sure you are probably worn out reading all of this as I am typing it all!  So, tomorrow I will try to tell you about a phone call I received today that brought some more surprising revelations and also about our pursuit to press criminal charges.  I am feeling like I can't really grieve the loss of the baby well until we can put Janie and Michael behind us.  I have had way too many imaginary conversations in my head with Janie, which I know is not healthy.  These are beginning to subside today, which I am grateful for.  It is all so overwhelming and the implications for Sadie staggering.  Thanks so much again for all of your prayers.  We need much wisdom and clarity as we navigate these foreign waters.  We are grateful for you!

The Adoption Fell Through

Thanks so much for tracking with us.  I will have more details up on the blog when I can muster up the energy and strength.  It is all very, very sad and very hard to process.  We believe that Janie and Michael never intended to place this child with anyone and that it was all part of an adoption scam.  She called me on Friday and told me that she had just had a sonogram and that the baby is a girl, not a boy, and that Michael now wanted to keep it.  We believe she has known it was a girl all along, but was using this as an excuse to get out of it at the end.  Not that she told me in the beginning that if it was a girl, Michael wouldn't want to go through with it, but just that it made some sort of believable story that they actually changed their mind at the very end of the pregnancy.  We wanted the baby regardless of the sex.  She didn't tell me on Friday that she was having the baby.  I could just hear a monitor in the background and put 2 and 2 together.  We headed up to KY early Saturday morning to confirm as the hospital was telling me that they had no patient by the name of Janie Young.  We feared she was working with yet a third agency and was about to place the child with them.  I will go into the details in a later post, but we found out they were definitely going to keep and parent the child.  For now, just know that we feel EXTREMELY betrayed by two people whom we have invested in for the past 15 months.  We just can't seem to wrap our brains around all of this happening.  And we now have to figure out how and what to do about pressing criminal charges against them.  All in the midst of grieving the dream of coming home with a little baby boy.  We are devastated.

The only thing that is sustaining me at this point is listening to praise music incessantly.  God is SO amazingly faithful and good.  I seriously have no idea how I would manage this pain without Him.  He is my unfailing love.  His grace truly is sufficient for me.

Janie's Doctor Visit

I forgot to mention in my last post that Janie went to the doctor Wednesday afternoon and he is pleased with her progress.  She is at 35 weeks now and he wants her to go into the hospital to get a measurement of the baby and then for another follow-up visit early next week.  We don't think she will make it much past 37 weeks, as both of her boys were delivered then.  But, you never know.  Although this baby can't come soon enough for us at this point, we are very grateful that it probably won't be a preemie!

Right out of Jerry Springer...

Our adoption took a crazy left turn on Monday afternoon.  I don't even know how I am going to capture this week on paper, but it all started with a phone call from a social worker up at the hospital where Sadie was born. We missed seeing this social worker, Annie, during our trip to see Janie and Michael last November when we visited the NICU unit at this hospital.  While we were visiting, we told the nurses that we were in process of adopting Sadie's biological sibling and could possibly be back at the NICU in the future.  They took pictures of Sadie and when we left I told them to tell Annie we said "hello".  It was the weekend, and she wasn't working.  I was somewhat surprised to hear her voice on the other side of the phone on Monday, but also excited as she was a pivotal player in Sadie's adoption and loved the opportunity to get to say "hello".  But as we were catching up socially for a minute, in the back of my mind I was totally wondering why on earth she was calling me after not talking with her since we left the hospital with Sadie. She finally said, "The reason I am calling is that I got a phone call from a lawyer who was informing me of all the players in an upcoming adoption happening here at the hospital.  The lawyer mentioned that the birth parents were Janie and Michael and the adoptive couple was a couple in Massachusetts."  At that point, she proceeded to tell me that when she got Janie's name, she remembered who she was and that we had adopted her child, Sadie, and had heard through the NICU that we were in process of adopting her sibling. She was thinking that maybe the adoption fell through for us, but felt like she should track down my number and find out for sure.  Obviously, the worst was true... Janie and Michael were a part of adoption fraud.

So, after MANY phone calls to the agency in MA, our lawyers, etc... it all came out.  Janie and Michael had been receiving monthly support from this agency, as well as from us, since last October.  They had been recently matched with an adoptive couple a month ago.  It was the exact time when Janie started completely acting out of character with me and was in somewhat of a panic asking me what all of the options were if Michael changed his mind.  Reflecting back, I wonder if she was trying to see how it would affect us and our relationship if she went with this agency.  She might have felt more comfortable telling us "no" just because we have a good relationship.  I guess I will never know.

I spoke with the agency again on Tuesday morning and they told me that she was definitely acting wishy washy with them as well, and so her gut feeling was that Janie had intended to either place the child with us or with neither of us.  The birth mom coordinator at the agency called Janie on Tuesday morning, confronted her with the truth and got hung up on.  It definitely wasn't looking positive for us.  I called Janie and left her a message leaving A LOT of room for them to call us back, but didn't hear a thing all day.  Finally, I left another message saying that I hoped that they had intended to place this child with us the whole time and not scam us as well, but that we would have to assume the worst if we didn't hear from them.  In the meantime, I was researching adoption fraud cases and talking to our lawyer to figure out how to proceed if we wanted to press charges.

That night I was pretty flat.  I couldn't even process or grieve the fact that we weren't going to be bringing Keller home because I just couldn't wrap by brain around the relational betrayal.  And I did not at all think we would be hearing from them.

But, at 12:30am I got a phone call from Janie and when I answered, she hung up.  I figured she was just really scared and so I called back and left a message telling her to call again and I wouldn't pick up this time so that she could leave a message.  Sure enough, 40 minutes later she called again.  She said, amongst other things, that they had always intended to place the child with us and not with the agency.  I called her back again and told her to call me in the morning.

She called me around 9am yesterday morning and we got a chance to talk for a long time.  Her story is that all of this started because they are being extorted for money.  In order for Michael to get probation and not 15 years of jail, they basically had to turn in every drug dealer in their town.  It hasn't left them with a lot of friends.  Janie is saying that they are paying a couple of guys (or their friends or family- not sure) that were turned in in order to keep them from harming them or their family (remember they have 3 boys).  I knew during Sadie's pregnancy that Janie had been attacked at one point from one of these guys and she was extremely scared.  But, to be honest, I really don't know if she is telling me the truth.  I do believe that they are probably being extorted for money, but who knows what for.  She also tried to tell me that Michael didn't know anything about this second agency, but that is extremely hard to believe and I told her so.  She replied, "Well, I guess it is probably pretty hard to believe anything I say right now."  Smart girl.  The reason she would try to protect Michael is because he is on probation already and would go back to jail for a long, long time for this fraud.

She also told me that they do want to still place this child with us and that she was going to the doctor that afternoon to see how she was doing.  We definitely want to bring this little boy home.  Even more so now that we know the kind of life he would be living, if he stayed with them.  When all of this broke open, Sadie was in the middle of a nap.  Getting her up after hearing this news, I can't BEGIN to tell you how much my heart sank for her that her birth parents had to screw this good relationship with us up.  But, I also looked at her and thanked GOD for plucking her sweet little spirit up out of Kentucky and placing her in our home.  I just can't get over how He sovereignly does that.  He has a purpose and a plan behind it and we are so blessed to have her a part of our family.

Prayers for us?
I know this may sound odd, but our biggest prayer is not that we would bring this baby boy home.  Do we want that with all of our heart?  Absolutely.  But, the biggest thing on our hearts is that we would be good stewards of this situation and walk through it with integrity, entrusting all of the results to God.  It is SO very easy to want to try to control and/or manipulate the situation now that they could be charged with fraud, but we don't want to do that just so that we get what we want.  Well, we do, but we don't.  : )  We just don't want to miss out on what God has in store for us.  We want His name STAMPED all over this situation regardless of how it turns out!!!!!  And we want to experience Him throughout the journey.  We really do trust that if we are supposed to have this child, we will.  The way that God wrote the story of Sadie's adoption is definitely not the way I would have written it and yet it was FAR better.  I pray we end up with another story that strengthens our faith during this situation.

The other thing you can pray for is for Janie and Michael's 3 boys.  We really aren't sure if they will go to jail or not at this point.  If they do, we don't know what will happen with the boys.

The last thing is that Janie and Michael will choose to do the next right thing.  I so desire for them to experience the freedom that comes from obedience to God.  Right now, they are in total bondage to their life of lies and self protection.  If only they knew how much God could turn all of this around for them, if they would choose to trust Him.  They will very well have serious consequences, but at least they would experience God's amazing, amazing grace and presence throughout.

As you can imagine, we are emotionally exhausted.  So, we might not want to return calls, etc... to rehash the whole story right away, but please know that your love, encouragement, and prayers mean the world to us.  We couldn't do this life without you!

A Few Pictures...

Ok. So, I have a few pictures to share in order to get this blog started off right : ) Here are a couple of pictures of our little boy's room. My mom helped me make the curtains and we still need to hem those at the bottom and I would like to add some animal spots to the letters in "Keller", but other than that, we are close to being done!

Isn't the monkey picture cute? The sister of my good friend, Bianca, painted that for me. Love it!

Our Second Adoption!

Welcome back, friends and family! Recently, a couple of good friends of mine threw me a shower and someone asked if I would have the blog up and running again. There it was. The question that helped me to get this blog back on my "to-do" list of things to accomplish before the baby actually arrives. Grateful to no longer be procrastinating. : )

For those of you who are new to our story, we are in process of adopting our first daughter's biological sibling. Her birth mom, Janie, is pregnant again and due March 30th. Janie has preeclampsia, so we aren't sure exactly when she will deliver, but we know it will probably be at 37 weeks tops. This child will be Janie and Michael's (Janie's husband) child. The reason they are placing the child for adoption is because they cannot provide for the child financially. And, as I get this question probably more than any other - yes, she is planning on having her tubes tied during this delivery. : )

Many things are different through this adoption than with Sadie. One BIG one is that our little guy's room is actually almost finished. I will post a picture soon. As some of you may remember, we hadn't even moved when Sadie was born. So, needless to say, her room wasn't even close to being done when she arrived. Plus we had a bazillion boxes to go through and unpack when we came home with her. My mom graciously had painters paint the room pink, but that was about it. We didn't even have a wall up in between her room and ours (the previous owners took it down). Today, having the room pretty much done and not having the stress of moving in the process puts me in a much better emotional place. Again, grateful.

Another thing different is that we already know the birthparents. And we have a relationship with them. It puts our minds a little bit at ease. However, Janie has recently expressed doubts that Michael will sign the papers once the baby arrives. She assures me that this doubt is nothing that Michael has verbally shared, she just wonders if he will do the same thing as he did with Sadie. And she is fearful for what that would mean for our relationship. I am not really sure how to take all of this right now, but I can tell you that I am SO very grateful for a God who is completely in control of this outcome. I don't have to control or manipulate anything because I know that if He desires for us to have this child, it will happen. And if it doesn't happen, I can trust that God has a good reason for it. Who has been praying for me? Whoever you are, I am very thankful as I can honestly say that I feel a huge amount of peace this week about it all!