Giving Myself PIO Shots

I thought I'd share with you that I have actually given myself 3 shots now!  This trend all started because my husband will be out of town next week and I was trying to figure out who or how I was going to get my shots.  So, I finally decided that maybe I could do it myself.  And sure enough, it wasn't too hard at all! The left side is much harder because of having to use my left hand to administer the shot, but the right side was pretty simple.  I am feeling pretty proud of myself about now : )  My husband will still do the majority of the shots, but at least I now know that in a bind, I can do it.

I am sure everyone is already praying for Ashley today as she is expecting her Beta.  Sorry that I got the date messed up on my previous post.  Hopefully, it didn't cause much confusion.  : )  Praying for 4 for 4!

List of Betas this Week

Hey EA friends,

I just thought I would research the exact dates for each of your Betas this week so that I could pray specifically instead of generally.  Here is the list in case it helps others to pray too!  Please add to the list, if I have forgotten anyone.  Thanks!

Britney - Tuesday, 9/27
Ashley - Wednesday, 9/29
Jennifer - Friday, 10/1
Lisa - Friday, 10/1
Em - Monday, 10/4

Praying, praying, praying for 100% positives!

In the Waiting

Funny thing about getting a positive pregnancy is that I thought the "waiting" would be over, but it really isn't.  It is just the beginning in some ways.  Once I found out that I was pregnant, I waited for the first beta number to ensure that it was looking good.  After that number was great, I then began waiting to see if my second beta was going to look equally as good.  Each step just brings me to another "waiting" period. Now I am waiting on the ultrasound to make sure our baby is still growing and has a heartbeat.  I have seen so many other women's journeys through this process, that I know we are not out of the woods yet.  Don't get me wrong - I am beyond belief THRILLED that we are pregnant and am celebrating what God has revealed to us thus far.  I just know that my life and journey to adopt/have children has always been full of twists and turns.  I never know just what God is up to.


In light of all of this, I thought I would answer another blogger friend's questions regarding the 2WW.  I know many of you have already filled it out and I loved hearing your hearts and getting encouraged by the Scripture you were clinging onto during this time.  So, here it goes...

1. What Scripture are you holding close to these days?


Luke 1:38 "'I am the Lord's servant,' Mary answered. 'May it be me as you have said'."
The reason I love this verse (it needs to be my life verse) is that I want to have Mary's attitude.  This verse reminds me that I am here to carry out the Lord's purposes, not vice versa.  It humbles me and challenges me to think eternally and not wordly.  

2. What is your biggest challenge right now?


Not "feeling" pregnant some days and wondering if we will make it through the first trimester.  All of this feels very surreal!  I think that during my actual 2ww, my biggest challenge was obsessing about all of my symptoms and googling excessively.  I went a little looney : )

3. What is DH like in the 2WW?


He was great during the 2ww.  He was always positive and doting.  However, at times he did seem a bit emotionally distant in regards to our transfer.  When I shared that with him, he admitted to me that he didn't want to get emotionally attached to the idea because he was scared of being disappointed.  (I share this with you with his permission!)



4. Now that you have gone through your FET, what one piece of advice can you share that you wish you knew/did?


I wish I knew about the alcohol wash in the middle of the transfer.  Dr. K said, "This is the part you are going to hate me for." and I was thinking, "What?  No one ever mentioned that there was anything painful during the transfer!"  It would have been nice knowing what to expect.  


I also wish that I had trusted God more, sat back and enjoyed the wonderful adventure, and googled less! : )  



5. How can we pray for you specifically?  


I would love prayers for God's peace to rule my heart and mind during this first trimester wait.  (and beyond!)  I sincerely desire to enjoy the ride that God has me on and enjoy every minute regardless of what happens.  I would also love for you to pray that my life would emulate my Scripture verse above.  


Our ultrasound will be in the next couple of weeks.  We are a little set back in that our fertility clinic here won't do the ultrasound now that we are officially pregnant.  They said that it is a liability issue since we aren't being seen by one of their doctors.  So, the nurses are trying to figure out where to send me.  I might be going to see my own OBGYN, but we aren't sure yet.  I will keep you all posted!


I am so thrilled by our pregnancy and Krisa's!  I am praying like crazy for the rest of you!!  

2nd Beta Number is...

280!  Yeah!!  Next step - ultrasound.  I will post more later when I have a bit more time, but wanted to share the good news.  So grateful for this blessing!

And the Beta is...

... 88!!!!  

Nurse Mary says that anything over 50 is a good number this early in the game.  Yippee!!  I, of course, didn't miss a beat with my obsessive test-taking either, so here is my darker line this morning.  Can't wait to find out how Monday goes!  Praying for all of your Betas coming in next week : )

Still growing!

Just thought I'd share the updated picture from this morning.  It was the first time the line showed up immediately!  Yippee!  Can't wait to get my beta number tomorrow.  : )

I love seeing that line get darker!

Symptoms...

A few people have asked what my 2ww symptoms have been.  Now, before I answer, I have to say that in researching other blogs and forums, it seems like many of my symptoms ended up in a pregnancy and some of them didn't.  I really didn't know what to make of them because it appeared that everyone was different!  I found myself obsessing about every symptom and wanting to lose myself in blogging/checking forums for some answer.  It wasn't until Sunday that I was kneeling before the Lord and immediately upon doing so, felt convicted that I was trusting in symptoms, grading, you name it rather than in God Himself who is the giver and taker of life!  I was sobbing because it was so vulnerable for me to go to and ask the Lord to bless us with a pregnancy, not knowing if He would respond as we would hope.  So this was our conversation:

God:  "Tracey, do you believe that I want to give you good gifts?"
Me: (in total tears) "Yes, Lord, I do ultimately believe that.  I have no where else to turn."
God:  "Then trust in ME."

Our path to building our family has been full of pain and disappointment, but I can honestly say that I have yet to be disappointed with God.  His gifts are always good even when they don't feel like it!  I would never have desired to have the adoption of Sadie's birth sibling fail, but God was right there with me, comforting and loving me through it.  It is also what led us to embryo adoption.  And being pregnant is a dream too good to be true!!  It is so much more than I could ever have hoped or asked for. He is SO good and faithful. I was grateful for the Lord's reminder that my hope is in Him and not my circumstances.  I know that even if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage, I can trust God who has the VERY best in store for us and loves us more than I can even fathom.  I share all of this because I would imagine that we all struggle to some degree in this gray area of not knowing how God will answer.  And for many of you who have been disappointed again and again, it is hard to be vulnerable knowing that it could again end up in heartache.  I pray that our eyes will stay focused on Jesus and that His name would be glorified through our circles of influence as we trust Him with whatever outcomes we may experience.  But, I still want all of us to be preggo!!! : ) : )

Now that I am done sharing what God has done through my symptoms, I can share what they actually are because I know that it is encouraging for others.  Just remember that SO many people don't have any symptoms at all!

1.  Major cramping on the day of and the day after the transfer.  I believe that it was probably the little embryo warriors implanting!
2.  Mild cramping on and off through the rest of this week.
3.  Little twinges here and there.
4.  A tad bit nauseous a couple of days.
5.  A little bit of heartburn a couple of days.
6.  I started having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night every night on Sunday, which I never used to do. 

A lot of symptoms!  Kinda crazy!  It does kinda help to feel like something good is going on down there, but while waiting I seriously wondered if I was just miscarrying or if it was the hormones.  Really hard to tell with some of it.

I know that I don't really know each of my EA blogging friends, but I love you anyway!  I am praying that each of you gets a positive test!  It has been such a sweeter journey traveling with those who understand : )

Well... I think...

... we are pregnant!!!  Yes, I have been secretly POAS the past 3 days.  The first morning was Monday morning at 4am (yes, I have been waking up needing to go to the bathroom every night, which is very unlike me - good pregnancy sign!)  I waited the 3 minutes and was staring at just one line.  I wasn't highly disappointed because I knew that it was very early to be testing.  Then, came Tuesday morning.  Again, 4am and I am up in the bathroom.  As I began watching the test during the 3 minute wait, I started seeing a very faint line appear farther to the left of the control line than I had originally anticipated.  I wiped my eyes (it was 4am and I was pretty groggy!) and looked again.  Yes!  I think there just might be a line there!  So, I went and grabbed the test from the day before to compare and sure enough... I saw the line!  I immediately begin crying and praising God.  I then wake sweet hubby up to give him the fabulous news and to make sure that I am not seeing things.  He came and looked at the two tests and says, "I can see a VERY faint line - even fainter - on yesterday's test too!  Sure enough, if you REALLY strain, you can see a shadow of a line on the 5dp5dt (5 days past 5 day transfer) test too!  Although, you won't be able to see it in the picture below.

The glorious beautiful faint pink line! : )

I am taking one every day until Friday to see that faint line get darker.  Sure enough, this morning's didn't let me down.  Grateful!

We know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but grateful and celebrating for today!  Praying like crazy that we get an awesome Beta on Friday and that all of you reading (who are desiring and trying) get pregnant too!!!

All I Can Do is Worship...

in order to keep me sane during this 2ww : )

I thought I would copy a link to this song by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What".  Oh my goodness, I cry every time I listen!  I found it on another blogger's site.  Hope it encourages/uplifts those of you in the 2 week wait!!

Embies on Board!

Well, we are back from Tennessee and trying to relax.  Not so easy with a 22 month old who has been missing her mama!  I thought I'd go ahead and document for you all my experience with the transfer and the symptoms I have experienced since.

On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me.  Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw.  I was so sad to hear this news.  They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs.  So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night.  I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now.  And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.

We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep.  A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind.  But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15.  I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed!  I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car.  When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat.  : )

Drinking WAY too much water!

They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while.  In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably.  I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well.  But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby.  I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!

Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos.  They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it.  The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC.  I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC.  I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant.  But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!

4AB on top and 3BC bottom

Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick.  Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better.  Yay!  He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us.  So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.

I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom.  My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor.  I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!!  Ha.

We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat.  I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point.  I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out!  And the cramping was still going strong.  Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping.  From what I understand, it is pretty normal.  However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy.  Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better.  Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out.  So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.

Krisa and Byron

Me and Krisa

First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us.  The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace.  The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there.  We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something!  Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous.  We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us.  What a sweet blessing!  Grateful to have met them through this journey.  We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to.  Small world!

So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy.  I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges".  My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend.  I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though.  I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine.  Any thoughts?

My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday.  Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions??  Ha.

Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!

A New Path...

It has been a LONG time since I last blogged.  I think the trauma of the last failed adoption left me a little gun shy about sharing all of my news with the world.  However, Jeff and I are still trying to add to our family and we are now on a new path... embryo adoption!  I have so appreciated being able to read other family's blogs regarding their embryo adoptions that I feel the need to put myself out there again too.  I love community and being able to process this journey with others who are going through the same thing is definitely helpful.

Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic.  You can read more about them and embryo adoption here.  I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer.  This time next week I could be pregnant!  Isn't that crazy?  We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity.  We will see how He decides in the next few weeks.  The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God.  Grateful again to have learned this truth.