in order to keep me sane during this 2ww : )
I thought I would copy a link to this song by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What". Oh my goodness, I cry every time I listen! I found it on another blogger's site. Hope it encourages/uplifts those of you in the 2 week wait!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Embies on Board!
Well, we are back from Tennessee and trying to relax. Not so easy with a 22 month old who has been missing her mama! I thought I'd go ahead and document for you all my experience with the transfer and the symptoms I have experienced since.
On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me. Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw. I was so sad to hear this news. They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs. So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night. I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now. And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.
We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep. A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind. But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15. I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed! I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car. When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat. : )
They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while. In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably. I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well. But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby. I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!
Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos. They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it. The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC. I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC. I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant. But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!
Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick. Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better. Yay! He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us. So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.
I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom. My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor. I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!! Ha.
We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat. I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point. I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out! And the cramping was still going strong. Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping. From what I understand, it is pretty normal. However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy. Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better. Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out. So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.
First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us. The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace. The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there. We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something! Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous. We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us. What a sweet blessing! Grateful to have met them through this journey. We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to. Small world!
So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy. I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges". My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend. I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though. I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine. Any thoughts?
My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday. Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions?? Ha.
Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!
On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me. Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw. I was so sad to hear this news. They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs. So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night. I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now. And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.
We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep. A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind. But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15. I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed! I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car. When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat. : )
 |
| Drinking WAY too much water! |
They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while. In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably. I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well. But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby. I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!
Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos. They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it. The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC. I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC. I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant. But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!
 |
| 4AB on top and 3BC bottom |
Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick. Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better. Yay! He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us. So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.
I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom. My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor. I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!! Ha.
We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat. I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point. I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out! And the cramping was still going strong. Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping. From what I understand, it is pretty normal. However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy. Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better. Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out. So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.
 |
| Krisa and Byron |
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| Me and Krisa |
First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us. The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace. The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there. We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something! Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous. We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us. What a sweet blessing! Grateful to have met them through this journey. We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to. Small world!
So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy. I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges". My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend. I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though. I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine. Any thoughts?
My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday. Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions?? Ha.
Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
A New Path...
It has been a LONG time since I last blogged. I think the trauma of the last failed adoption left me a little gun shy about sharing all of my news with the world. However, Jeff and I are still trying to add to our family and we are now on a new path... embryo adoption! I have so appreciated being able to read other family's blogs regarding their embryo adoptions that I feel the need to put myself out there again too. I love community and being able to process this journey with others who are going through the same thing is definitely helpful.
Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic. You can read more about them and embryo adoption here. I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer. This time next week I could be pregnant! Isn't that crazy? We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity. We will see how He decides in the next few weeks. The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God. Grateful again to have learned this truth.
Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic. You can read more about them and embryo adoption here. I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer. This time next week I could be pregnant! Isn't that crazy? We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity. We will see how He decides in the next few weeks. The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God. Grateful again to have learned this truth.
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Do not repay evil with evil...but with blessing." 1 Peter 3:9
I called Janie on Monday. I had been thinking about her a lot over the week and didn't feel comfortable with the police showing up at her door and telling them that we pressed charges against her. I felt that the right thing to do was for me to tell her what was going on and why. I wanted her to hear it directly from me. I didn't want her to think that we were pressing charges because we were still seething in anger. I can honestly say that Jeff and I are not trying to "pay them back" or anything like that. We just feel that it is probably the most loving option we have, and I wanted to tell her so. Without them having some kind of consequences with all of this, we aren't assured that they won't do it again nor are we assured that it won't get even worse. They are definitely headed down the wrong path.
So, I called Janie and let her know about cooperating with the authorities and, at the same time, offered my friendship to her if she agreed to come clean with me and stop telling lies. When we originally found out about the fraud, I told her that I would be there for her regardless of whether or not we received the child. What I meant by that was that if she chose to repent and go in the direction of God, I would not leave her and would walk through whatever repercussions she might face, regardless of what that meant for us. She said ok and was grateful, but still told us that she planned on placing the child with us. Well, obviously, she didn't come completely clean with me after that point. So, I decided that I needed to give her one more chance for honesty and forgiveness.
The conversation actually went pretty well. I told her that in order for me to walk through this with her, she needed to be honest with me. That I didn't have friends who consistently lie to me. When I told her that my friendship might not sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially since we are working with the authorities, she said, "Actually, it is" and she said that she understood why I was continuing to press charges. She confessed to me that she knew the baby was a girl since December 21st and knew they wouldn't place the child with us at that point. I told her that I had forgiven her, but that it was between me and God, and that I still wasn't sure if she was genuinely repentful for what she had done. Much of the conversation was allowing her to express the truth about the situation to me including the drug use, which I think brought her some relief. I also continued to encourage her that I had been forgiven of much worse and that God had brought me out of a huge pit and can do the same for her. She cried through much of our hour-long conversation, but I still don't completely believe that she is broken before God. Please pray with me that they begin taking the right steps towards humility and brokenness.
The verse that has been on my mind a lot recently has been 1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." I absolutely know in my heart that if this all had happened before I was a believer in Christ, that I would just write Janie off and maybe even try to make her life really miserable. I can't begin to tell you how gracious God's forgiveness is that He allows me to be free from any bitterness or anger towards them even to the point of desiring to bless them! I know that in my own little black heart, this would not be possible. But, God living in me is much different!!!
One of the thoughts I have been having recently is that I can be free from anger with Janie and Michael partly because I know that they are not the ones preventing me from coming home with that little girl. I believe that God is in control of all things, including man's evil intentions. He uses everything to work out His own purposes. His purpose will prevail no matter what plans are in the hearts of men. This concept is so easily shown in Genesis through the story of Joseph and his brothers. If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read it all (it is fascinating!) in Gen 37-50. Joseph's brothers sold him to slave traders because they were jealous of him. Through many miraculous events, he ends up as ruler over all Eygpt, which put him in the best situation to later preserve his brother's lives, save Egypt, and prepare the way for the beginning of the nation of Israel. One of Joseph's famous quotes after his brothers came and threw themselves at his feet begging for mercy is, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Janie and Michael intended to harm us, but I am resting in the fact that God is managing every detail of my life in order to work out His MUCH greater purposes. "All of ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" Psalm 25:10
The tension for Jeff and I is that Janie and Michael have 3 boys and now this little baby girl, Makalie, to take care of. At times it is hard for us to reconcile all of this, but we know that our God is a big God and is able to work all of this out for good regardless of whether or not they go to jail. They do have a lot of family who live next door and down the street. We know that Janie's mom (who died 1 1/2 years ago) took the boys when Janie was in jail a few years ago. I just know that if they are back into drugs, the children may be better off in another home anyway. I just hate that innocent children are in the middle of all of this drama. Please pray with me that the Lord protects their little hearts.
So, I called Janie and let her know about cooperating with the authorities and, at the same time, offered my friendship to her if she agreed to come clean with me and stop telling lies. When we originally found out about the fraud, I told her that I would be there for her regardless of whether or not we received the child. What I meant by that was that if she chose to repent and go in the direction of God, I would not leave her and would walk through whatever repercussions she might face, regardless of what that meant for us. She said ok and was grateful, but still told us that she planned on placing the child with us. Well, obviously, she didn't come completely clean with me after that point. So, I decided that I needed to give her one more chance for honesty and forgiveness.
The conversation actually went pretty well. I told her that in order for me to walk through this with her, she needed to be honest with me. That I didn't have friends who consistently lie to me. When I told her that my friendship might not sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially since we are working with the authorities, she said, "Actually, it is" and she said that she understood why I was continuing to press charges. She confessed to me that she knew the baby was a girl since December 21st and knew they wouldn't place the child with us at that point. I told her that I had forgiven her, but that it was between me and God, and that I still wasn't sure if she was genuinely repentful for what she had done. Much of the conversation was allowing her to express the truth about the situation to me including the drug use, which I think brought her some relief. I also continued to encourage her that I had been forgiven of much worse and that God had brought me out of a huge pit and can do the same for her. She cried through much of our hour-long conversation, but I still don't completely believe that she is broken before God. Please pray with me that they begin taking the right steps towards humility and brokenness.
The verse that has been on my mind a lot recently has been 1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." I absolutely know in my heart that if this all had happened before I was a believer in Christ, that I would just write Janie off and maybe even try to make her life really miserable. I can't begin to tell you how gracious God's forgiveness is that He allows me to be free from any bitterness or anger towards them even to the point of desiring to bless them! I know that in my own little black heart, this would not be possible. But, God living in me is much different!!!
One of the thoughts I have been having recently is that I can be free from anger with Janie and Michael partly because I know that they are not the ones preventing me from coming home with that little girl. I believe that God is in control of all things, including man's evil intentions. He uses everything to work out His own purposes. His purpose will prevail no matter what plans are in the hearts of men. This concept is so easily shown in Genesis through the story of Joseph and his brothers. If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read it all (it is fascinating!) in Gen 37-50. Joseph's brothers sold him to slave traders because they were jealous of him. Through many miraculous events, he ends up as ruler over all Eygpt, which put him in the best situation to later preserve his brother's lives, save Egypt, and prepare the way for the beginning of the nation of Israel. One of Joseph's famous quotes after his brothers came and threw themselves at his feet begging for mercy is, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Janie and Michael intended to harm us, but I am resting in the fact that God is managing every detail of my life in order to work out His MUCH greater purposes. "All of ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" Psalm 25:10
The tension for Jeff and I is that Janie and Michael have 3 boys and now this little baby girl, Makalie, to take care of. At times it is hard for us to reconcile all of this, but we know that our God is a big God and is able to work all of this out for good regardless of whether or not they go to jail. They do have a lot of family who live next door and down the street. We know that Janie's mom (who died 1 1/2 years ago) took the boys when Janie was in jail a few years ago. I just know that if they are back into drugs, the children may be better off in another home anyway. I just hate that innocent children are in the middle of all of this drama. Please pray with me that the Lord protects their little hearts.
Friday, March 12, 2010
New Revelations
We received a call from a social worker on Tuesday who told us that Janie's baby tested positive for drugs. This news shocked me! Janie was completely drug-free with Sadie. No drugs. No alcohol. Nothing. And she had told me several times that she had never used drugs or alcohol. I didn't have a reason not to believe her because Sadie was drug-free.
This news really sent me for a loop, but it also helped to explain a lot of things and actually made me feel better somehow. I am now thinking that the extra money went towards drugs, not this extortion theory she had originally told me. Or, if she was being extorted at all, it was probably drug-related.
I also got a phone call from the agency worker in Massachusetts who told me that they were now going to press charges. They were originally going to let it go, if they had placed the baby with us. I spoke with the Commonwealth attorney in Lawrence County who heard my story and then asked me who the couple was. I said, "Janie and Michael Y...." to which he replied, "I unfortunately know them." Ugh.
The attorney put me in touch with a detective, who wanted all of our information including voice mails and receipts. That detective is also collecting information from the agency. He told me that they would probably be picking them up in the next couple of weeks as soon as he can sort through the evidence. What they did is a felony and punishable for up to 5 years.
It feels better to have moved through that portion of this journey, but I also feel somewhat conflicted. I really don't have any anger or bitterness towards them anymore. The imaginary conversations in my head are completely gone. I do believe that I am moving towards forgiveness. The saddest part for me is that they have 3 boys at home and now a precious little girl whom they may not see for a good long while. It just breaks my heart for their children. Plus, I truly believe that Janie is a believer and has a relationship with God. I continually pray that she will repent of the way she is going and turn back to Him. I also pray for an opportunity to extend forgiveness to her so that she may tangibly experience the forgiveness of God. I know in my heart that I am no better or different than them and am grateful for a God who has forgiven me of much worse.
While I hate to see them have to suffer the consequences of their sin, I also know that it often takes us having to be in the pit before we will turn to God. This is how it was for me. So, I am trusting that this is not the end of the story. I pray that I get to see redemption on this side of eternity.
The biggest thing I need prayer for now is grieving the loss of the baby. Being at my parent's house helps to ease the pain, but I know I will need to go back home this weekend. The thought of being at the house and getting on with daily life seems hard to me. I covet your prayers as we move towards that transition. And prayers as we determine next steps to add to our family.
We love you all and are so grateful for your love and encouragement!
This news really sent me for a loop, but it also helped to explain a lot of things and actually made me feel better somehow. I am now thinking that the extra money went towards drugs, not this extortion theory she had originally told me. Or, if she was being extorted at all, it was probably drug-related.
I also got a phone call from the agency worker in Massachusetts who told me that they were now going to press charges. They were originally going to let it go, if they had placed the baby with us. I spoke with the Commonwealth attorney in Lawrence County who heard my story and then asked me who the couple was. I said, "Janie and Michael Y...." to which he replied, "I unfortunately know them." Ugh.
The attorney put me in touch with a detective, who wanted all of our information including voice mails and receipts. That detective is also collecting information from the agency. He told me that they would probably be picking them up in the next couple of weeks as soon as he can sort through the evidence. What they did is a felony and punishable for up to 5 years.
It feels better to have moved through that portion of this journey, but I also feel somewhat conflicted. I really don't have any anger or bitterness towards them anymore. The imaginary conversations in my head are completely gone. I do believe that I am moving towards forgiveness. The saddest part for me is that they have 3 boys at home and now a precious little girl whom they may not see for a good long while. It just breaks my heart for their children. Plus, I truly believe that Janie is a believer and has a relationship with God. I continually pray that she will repent of the way she is going and turn back to Him. I also pray for an opportunity to extend forgiveness to her so that she may tangibly experience the forgiveness of God. I know in my heart that I am no better or different than them and am grateful for a God who has forgiven me of much worse.
While I hate to see them have to suffer the consequences of their sin, I also know that it often takes us having to be in the pit before we will turn to God. This is how it was for me. So, I am trusting that this is not the end of the story. I pray that I get to see redemption on this side of eternity.
The biggest thing I need prayer for now is grieving the loss of the baby. Being at my parent's house helps to ease the pain, but I know I will need to go back home this weekend. The thought of being at the house and getting on with daily life seems hard to me. I covet your prayers as we move towards that transition. And prayers as we determine next steps to add to our family.
We love you all and are so grateful for your love and encouragement!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
How Great is Our God!
Thank you all so very much for the outpouring of prayers and encouragement. I have been feeling much stronger today and am so grateful. I absolutely know, without a doubt, that your prayers have been holding me up. Yesterday, I was fearing having to be alone today at the house, but after I cried on Jeff's shoulder this morning immediately following "Good morning", he asked his boss for another couple of days off. He says he has never seen me this way with so many emotional swells. I guess I don't think I have ever felt this way either. So, with the extra days off, we headed out to my parent's house on the lake and began gaining strength upon leaving the house.
I promised to share more details of the weekend journey. Bear with me - it is a long one. Lots of craziness to share : )
Friday afternoon Janie called me several times, but I hadn't heard the phone. I finally heard her 4th call, but missed it before I could pick up. I called back the number she called on and Three Rivers Medical Center picked up, the place where she was to deliver the baby. I began to assume that Janie had gone into labor, but when I asked to speak to her, they told me she wasn't there. While I was on the phone with them, she beeped in again, so I clicked over. Why on earth was the hospital telling me that she wasn't a patient there? She proceeded to tell me that she had gone in for a sonogram and that she found out she was having a girl, not a boy, and that Michael now wanted to keep it since it was a girl. Janie had called me on Christmas Day to tell me that she was having a boy. So, it all seemed very odd to all of a sudden be switching. I think that it is somewhat common to make a mistake and think a baby is a girl and then it turn out to be a boy, but not the opposite! Plus, she had been telling me recently that she felt that everything with the adoption would probably be ok as long as the baby was a boy. Those comments all seemed weird to me now that the baby suddenly switched genders. I told her very bluntly that she would need to sign a HIPPA agreement so that we could see her medical records for us to substantiate anything that she was saying. And, of course, she made a lot of excuses why that might not be the best idea. It was heartbreaking because at that moment I definitely knew she had probably been lying to me all along.
After getting off of the phone with her, I began processing what she was saying and I couldn't get the background sound from where she was calling out of my head. I knew she was calling from the hospital, but I was assuming that she was calling from some phone outside of wherever she had her sonogram. However, behind her voice was the beeping of a monitor and the sound of people talking, like on a TV. It began to occur to me that she was at the hospital in a room and most likely had already had the baby. I just couldn't shake the feeling. Jeff had gotten home shortly after I spoke with her and so I urged him that we needed to go up to KY to find out what was going on. At the time, my main purpose was to go to the hospital to see if she was there and to make sure that she wasn't working with yet another agency. I couldn't handle knowing that the baby might be placed elsewhere. We didn't have a great plan from there, but knew we had to figure all of this out and get some sort of truth!
We took Sadie to my parents house Friday night and went to sleep so that we could wake up early the next morning. The drive to KY is about 9 1/2 hours. We woke up at 4am and I called the hospital again. My hope was that the night shift would be a bit more relaxed and I might get more information from them. Jackpot. I called and asked for Janie. The operator said, "Hold on a minute please." She then came back and asked who was calling. What hospital does that?? I said, "Tracey." She then said, "Hold on another minute." When she came back several minutes later, she said, "We don't have anyone by that name here." At that moment, I knew with every ounce of my being that she was there. Being a nurse, I know that patients can ask for complete confidentiality and force the hospital to tell anyone who calls that they aren't there.
Jeff and I loaded up the car and headed out at 5am. Around 6am, I realized that Janie had called me from the hospital again. She left a message and told me that they (the hospital) told her that we had called. She said she hoped it meant that I wasn't angry with her anymore (is she crazy?) and that she would call me again later. I later found out that she was heavily sedated on a pain pump from the c-section. She probably wasn't thinking clearly when she called me back that morning. We were so grateful to have our confirmation that she was there. So, our main goal became to make sure that she wasn't working with another agency. We still couldn't figure out why she would lie to us about the delivery unless it was because there was another adoptive family there and didn't want us there to find out.
While driving up there, we were trying to call our attorney, whom we could not reach. He was out of town for a funeral. We felt pretty alone in our journey and not really sure how to go about what we wanted to accomplish. Our thinking was that we would talk with a hospital administrator and tell them what was going on and to ask them to tell us what we needed to do to find out whether a 3rd party was involved. Janie finally called again around 12pm and we went 'round and 'round with lies upon lies. I truly just couldn't believe it was coming to this. But, she did finally admit that she had the c-section and that she was in the hospital. She lied again and said that after the sonogram, her blood pressure went up and they did an emergency c-section. The main thing I kept telling her was that she would need to give us a HIPPA release or else we would most likely go to the police to press charges. She kept hedging on that request and saying that she didn't understand why I didn't just believe her. It was horrible.
When we got to the hospital, we figured out pretty fast that we wouldn't be able to just walk in with anonymity. It is probably a 40 bed hospital. So, while sitting in the parking lot after driving 9 1/2 hours, we didn't have much of a plan! But, I just KNEW that we needed to be there. So, we decided to call the hospital and talk with a social worker. She was REALLY nice and apologetic, but told us that she couldn't give us any information. Road block. So, we decided that we would just go ahead and call Janie and tell her that if she wasn't working with another agency, that she should be ok with us coming up to visit her. She replied that is was fine with her, but that her family was there at the moment. Could we come back that night? She then proceeded to tell me that her Dad was just about to walk out to his car right then. He had just left her room to go and find Michael. She said, "You will probably see him going to his red truck!" She was talking like we were old friends again, which I found interesting since we had just had a very tense conversation 2 hours before. I again later found out that she was heavily sedated and actually thought that it might be a dream that we had been there. But, we drove around to the front of the hospital and saw her Dad, brother, and oldest son walking out of the hospital. I hadn't realized the implications at first, but seeing Jaydan (her son) confirmed for me that she wasn't working with another agency. I absolutely knew that she wouldn't have her son there if she was placing the child for adoption. She was actually celebrating with her family.
This celebration with family coming to the hospital is what did me in emotionally. During the conversation with Janie, I heard her baby girl cry. I couldn't get it out of my head as we were heading out from the hospital. It started to dawn on me that she lied to me about having the baby because she hadn't ever planned on placing it with us. Instead, she planned on having her own family there to celebrate and welcome their little girl into the world. It all seemed so cruel and unjust. It was the first time I broke down into gut wrenching sobs.
Jeff and I took a short drive to Ashland, KY to check-in to a hotel there as we were planning on going back to see Janie later that night. But, on the way to the hotel, we drove past the hospital where Sadie was born and I asked Jeff to pull over. It was a beautiful day out and I really desired to walk the path between the hospital and the Hospitality House where we stayed while Sadie was in the NICU. There is just something divine about that hospital for me and I wanted to be reminded of God's goodness in the midst of this tragedy we were walking through. So, we walked through the hospital, up to the NICU where we had walked so many times to see Sadie, and then down to the cafeteria to a table we sat at many times to look out over a park that was situated next door. Being in that hospital moves me. It is where we met and fell in love with our precious Sadie Grace and where we fell more deeply in love with our Savior. It is where God met us in such amazing ways and where the body of believers - you! - ministered to us time and time again through your phone calls, care packages, emails, and cards. We entered a huge battle of faith at the hospital there and gained ground. Not because we walked away with Sadie Grace, but because we had surrendered our will to God's and decided that He was most certainly all we needed and more. And most of the time meant it : ) And yet He DID choose to give us our best gift through that experience. We are humbled and so grateful. We know that we don't deserve anything and are truly grateful for any blessing He chooses to pour out on us.
As we sat in the cafeteria it dawned on me that it was God's perfect timing and grace to allow me to see Janie's family leave the hospital. It not only confirmed that they weren't working with another agency, but also helped bring me some resolution and closure. Not that the resolution was what I wanted, but resolution none-the-less. We decided that we didn't want to see Janie, Michael and the baby as it would cause too much emotional pain for us and so we started heading back to Georgia.
On the way back home, a good friend from our small group was at church Saturday evening and texted us. She said that they were worshipping and heard a song that reminded them of us and so they taped part of it and sent it to us in the text. I clicked on the song and "How Great is Our God" began to play.
If you haven't heard the song, you can listen to it here.
Again, another gift from God. That song ALWAYS reminds me of another couple (I'll call L and S as it is late and I haven't asked if I can post their story yet!) we know in one of our previous small groups whose full-term baby died on her due-date. The entire small group was at the hospital as they were preparing to deliver the baby. She asked me if I would bring my CD player and "How Great is Our God" song to the hospital so that they could play it while they delivered the baby. We all waited outside of the delivery room and after they delivered the baby, S came out to let us know how it went. I honestly can't put into adequate words the look on his face as he explained what happened in the room. He told us how beautiful the baby was and with a look of wonder, surprise, gratefulness and hope, exclaimed, "I have so much PEACE! I have so much PEACE!" It still gives me chill bumps just typing those words out. I think it is by far one of the most divine moments I have ever experienced. We know that God sent us that song as a reminder of His goodness, grace, peace and hope in the midst of this tragedy. That is SO like God. He is a God of wonders.
I've got more to share, but I am sure you are probably worn out reading all of this as I am typing it all! So, tomorrow I will try to tell you about a phone call I received today that brought some more surprising revelations and also about our pursuit to press criminal charges. I am feeling like I can't really grieve the loss of the baby well until we can put Janie and Michael behind us. I have had way too many imaginary conversations in my head with Janie, which I know is not healthy. These are beginning to subside today, which I am grateful for. It is all so overwhelming and the implications for Sadie staggering. Thanks so much again for all of your prayers. We need much wisdom and clarity as we navigate these foreign waters. We are grateful for you!
I promised to share more details of the weekend journey. Bear with me - it is a long one. Lots of craziness to share : )
Friday afternoon Janie called me several times, but I hadn't heard the phone. I finally heard her 4th call, but missed it before I could pick up. I called back the number she called on and Three Rivers Medical Center picked up, the place where she was to deliver the baby. I began to assume that Janie had gone into labor, but when I asked to speak to her, they told me she wasn't there. While I was on the phone with them, she beeped in again, so I clicked over. Why on earth was the hospital telling me that she wasn't a patient there? She proceeded to tell me that she had gone in for a sonogram and that she found out she was having a girl, not a boy, and that Michael now wanted to keep it since it was a girl. Janie had called me on Christmas Day to tell me that she was having a boy. So, it all seemed very odd to all of a sudden be switching. I think that it is somewhat common to make a mistake and think a baby is a girl and then it turn out to be a boy, but not the opposite! Plus, she had been telling me recently that she felt that everything with the adoption would probably be ok as long as the baby was a boy. Those comments all seemed weird to me now that the baby suddenly switched genders. I told her very bluntly that she would need to sign a HIPPA agreement so that we could see her medical records for us to substantiate anything that she was saying. And, of course, she made a lot of excuses why that might not be the best idea. It was heartbreaking because at that moment I definitely knew she had probably been lying to me all along.
After getting off of the phone with her, I began processing what she was saying and I couldn't get the background sound from where she was calling out of my head. I knew she was calling from the hospital, but I was assuming that she was calling from some phone outside of wherever she had her sonogram. However, behind her voice was the beeping of a monitor and the sound of people talking, like on a TV. It began to occur to me that she was at the hospital in a room and most likely had already had the baby. I just couldn't shake the feeling. Jeff had gotten home shortly after I spoke with her and so I urged him that we needed to go up to KY to find out what was going on. At the time, my main purpose was to go to the hospital to see if she was there and to make sure that she wasn't working with yet another agency. I couldn't handle knowing that the baby might be placed elsewhere. We didn't have a great plan from there, but knew we had to figure all of this out and get some sort of truth!
We took Sadie to my parents house Friday night and went to sleep so that we could wake up early the next morning. The drive to KY is about 9 1/2 hours. We woke up at 4am and I called the hospital again. My hope was that the night shift would be a bit more relaxed and I might get more information from them. Jackpot. I called and asked for Janie. The operator said, "Hold on a minute please." She then came back and asked who was calling. What hospital does that?? I said, "Tracey." She then said, "Hold on another minute." When she came back several minutes later, she said, "We don't have anyone by that name here." At that moment, I knew with every ounce of my being that she was there. Being a nurse, I know that patients can ask for complete confidentiality and force the hospital to tell anyone who calls that they aren't there.
Jeff and I loaded up the car and headed out at 5am. Around 6am, I realized that Janie had called me from the hospital again. She left a message and told me that they (the hospital) told her that we had called. She said she hoped it meant that I wasn't angry with her anymore (is she crazy?) and that she would call me again later. I later found out that she was heavily sedated on a pain pump from the c-section. She probably wasn't thinking clearly when she called me back that morning. We were so grateful to have our confirmation that she was there. So, our main goal became to make sure that she wasn't working with another agency. We still couldn't figure out why she would lie to us about the delivery unless it was because there was another adoptive family there and didn't want us there to find out.
While driving up there, we were trying to call our attorney, whom we could not reach. He was out of town for a funeral. We felt pretty alone in our journey and not really sure how to go about what we wanted to accomplish. Our thinking was that we would talk with a hospital administrator and tell them what was going on and to ask them to tell us what we needed to do to find out whether a 3rd party was involved. Janie finally called again around 12pm and we went 'round and 'round with lies upon lies. I truly just couldn't believe it was coming to this. But, she did finally admit that she had the c-section and that she was in the hospital. She lied again and said that after the sonogram, her blood pressure went up and they did an emergency c-section. The main thing I kept telling her was that she would need to give us a HIPPA release or else we would most likely go to the police to press charges. She kept hedging on that request and saying that she didn't understand why I didn't just believe her. It was horrible.
When we got to the hospital, we figured out pretty fast that we wouldn't be able to just walk in with anonymity. It is probably a 40 bed hospital. So, while sitting in the parking lot after driving 9 1/2 hours, we didn't have much of a plan! But, I just KNEW that we needed to be there. So, we decided to call the hospital and talk with a social worker. She was REALLY nice and apologetic, but told us that she couldn't give us any information. Road block. So, we decided that we would just go ahead and call Janie and tell her that if she wasn't working with another agency, that she should be ok with us coming up to visit her. She replied that is was fine with her, but that her family was there at the moment. Could we come back that night? She then proceeded to tell me that her Dad was just about to walk out to his car right then. He had just left her room to go and find Michael. She said, "You will probably see him going to his red truck!" She was talking like we were old friends again, which I found interesting since we had just had a very tense conversation 2 hours before. I again later found out that she was heavily sedated and actually thought that it might be a dream that we had been there. But, we drove around to the front of the hospital and saw her Dad, brother, and oldest son walking out of the hospital. I hadn't realized the implications at first, but seeing Jaydan (her son) confirmed for me that she wasn't working with another agency. I absolutely knew that she wouldn't have her son there if she was placing the child for adoption. She was actually celebrating with her family.
This celebration with family coming to the hospital is what did me in emotionally. During the conversation with Janie, I heard her baby girl cry. I couldn't get it out of my head as we were heading out from the hospital. It started to dawn on me that she lied to me about having the baby because she hadn't ever planned on placing it with us. Instead, she planned on having her own family there to celebrate and welcome their little girl into the world. It all seemed so cruel and unjust. It was the first time I broke down into gut wrenching sobs.
Jeff and I took a short drive to Ashland, KY to check-in to a hotel there as we were planning on going back to see Janie later that night. But, on the way to the hotel, we drove past the hospital where Sadie was born and I asked Jeff to pull over. It was a beautiful day out and I really desired to walk the path between the hospital and the Hospitality House where we stayed while Sadie was in the NICU. There is just something divine about that hospital for me and I wanted to be reminded of God's goodness in the midst of this tragedy we were walking through. So, we walked through the hospital, up to the NICU where we had walked so many times to see Sadie, and then down to the cafeteria to a table we sat at many times to look out over a park that was situated next door. Being in that hospital moves me. It is where we met and fell in love with our precious Sadie Grace and where we fell more deeply in love with our Savior. It is where God met us in such amazing ways and where the body of believers - you! - ministered to us time and time again through your phone calls, care packages, emails, and cards. We entered a huge battle of faith at the hospital there and gained ground. Not because we walked away with Sadie Grace, but because we had surrendered our will to God's and decided that He was most certainly all we needed and more. And most of the time meant it : ) And yet He DID choose to give us our best gift through that experience. We are humbled and so grateful. We know that we don't deserve anything and are truly grateful for any blessing He chooses to pour out on us.
As we sat in the cafeteria it dawned on me that it was God's perfect timing and grace to allow me to see Janie's family leave the hospital. It not only confirmed that they weren't working with another agency, but also helped bring me some resolution and closure. Not that the resolution was what I wanted, but resolution none-the-less. We decided that we didn't want to see Janie, Michael and the baby as it would cause too much emotional pain for us and so we started heading back to Georgia.
On the way back home, a good friend from our small group was at church Saturday evening and texted us. She said that they were worshipping and heard a song that reminded them of us and so they taped part of it and sent it to us in the text. I clicked on the song and "How Great is Our God" began to play.
If you haven't heard the song, you can listen to it here.
Again, another gift from God. That song ALWAYS reminds me of another couple (I'll call L and S as it is late and I haven't asked if I can post their story yet!) we know in one of our previous small groups whose full-term baby died on her due-date. The entire small group was at the hospital as they were preparing to deliver the baby. She asked me if I would bring my CD player and "How Great is Our God" song to the hospital so that they could play it while they delivered the baby. We all waited outside of the delivery room and after they delivered the baby, S came out to let us know how it went. I honestly can't put into adequate words the look on his face as he explained what happened in the room. He told us how beautiful the baby was and with a look of wonder, surprise, gratefulness and hope, exclaimed, "I have so much PEACE! I have so much PEACE!" It still gives me chill bumps just typing those words out. I think it is by far one of the most divine moments I have ever experienced. We know that God sent us that song as a reminder of His goodness, grace, peace and hope in the midst of this tragedy. That is SO like God. He is a God of wonders.
I've got more to share, but I am sure you are probably worn out reading all of this as I am typing it all! So, tomorrow I will try to tell you about a phone call I received today that brought some more surprising revelations and also about our pursuit to press criminal charges. I am feeling like I can't really grieve the loss of the baby well until we can put Janie and Michael behind us. I have had way too many imaginary conversations in my head with Janie, which I know is not healthy. These are beginning to subside today, which I am grateful for. It is all so overwhelming and the implications for Sadie staggering. Thanks so much again for all of your prayers. We need much wisdom and clarity as we navigate these foreign waters. We are grateful for you!
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Adoption Fell Through
Thanks so much for tracking with us. I will have more details up on the blog when I can muster up the energy and strength. It is all very, very sad and very hard to process. We believe that Janie and Michael never intended to place this child with anyone and that it was all part of an adoption scam. She called me on Friday and told me that she had just had a sonogram and that the baby is a girl, not a boy, and that Michael now wanted to keep it. We believe she has known it was a girl all along, but was using this as an excuse to get out of it at the end. Not that she told me in the beginning that if it was a girl, Michael wouldn't want to go through with it, but just that it made some sort of believable story that they actually changed their mind at the very end of the pregnancy. We wanted the baby regardless of the sex. She didn't tell me on Friday that she was having the baby. I could just hear a monitor in the background and put 2 and 2 together. We headed up to KY early Saturday morning to confirm as the hospital was telling me that they had no patient by the name of Janie Young. We feared she was working with yet a third agency and was about to place the child with them. I will go into the details in a later post, but we found out they were definitely going to keep and parent the child. For now, just know that we feel EXTREMELY betrayed by two people whom we have invested in for the past 15 months. We just can't seem to wrap our brains around all of this happening. And we now have to figure out how and what to do about pressing criminal charges against them. All in the midst of grieving the dream of coming home with a little baby boy. We are devastated.
The only thing that is sustaining me at this point is listening to praise music incessantly. God is SO amazingly faithful and good. I seriously have no idea how I would manage this pain without Him. He is my unfailing love. His grace truly is sufficient for me.
The only thing that is sustaining me at this point is listening to praise music incessantly. God is SO amazingly faithful and good. I seriously have no idea how I would manage this pain without Him. He is my unfailing love. His grace truly is sufficient for me.
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