A few people have asked what my 2ww symptoms have been. Now, before I answer, I have to say that in researching other blogs and forums, it seems like many of my symptoms ended up in a pregnancy and some of them didn't. I really didn't know what to make of them because it appeared that everyone was different! I found myself obsessing about every symptom and wanting to lose myself in blogging/checking forums for some answer. It wasn't until Sunday that I was kneeling before the Lord and immediately upon doing so, felt convicted that I was trusting in symptoms, grading, you name it rather than in God Himself who is the giver and taker of life! I was sobbing because it was so vulnerable for me to go to and ask the Lord to bless us with a pregnancy, not knowing if He would respond as we would hope. So this was our conversation:
God: "Tracey, do you believe that I want to give you good gifts?"
Me: (in total tears) "Yes, Lord, I do ultimately believe that. I have no where else to turn."
God: "Then trust in ME."
Our path to building our family has been full of pain and disappointment, but I can honestly say that I have yet to be disappointed with God. His gifts are always good even when they don't feel like it! I would never have desired to have the adoption of Sadie's birth sibling fail, but God was right there with me, comforting and loving me through it. It is also what led us to embryo adoption. And being pregnant is a dream too good to be true!! It is so much more than I could ever have hoped or asked for. He is SO good and faithful. I was grateful for the Lord's reminder that my hope is in Him and not my circumstances. I know that even if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage, I can trust God who has the VERY best in store for us and loves us more than I can even fathom. I share all of this because I would imagine that we all struggle to some degree in this gray area of not knowing how God will answer. And for many of you who have been disappointed again and again, it is hard to be vulnerable knowing that it could again end up in heartache. I pray that our eyes will stay focused on Jesus and that His name would be glorified through our circles of influence as we trust Him with whatever outcomes we may experience. But, I still want all of us to be preggo!!! : ) : )
Now that I am done sharing what God has done through my symptoms, I can share what they actually are because I know that it is encouraging for others. Just remember that SO many people don't have any symptoms at all!
1. Major cramping on the day of and the day after the transfer. I believe that it was probably the little embryo warriors implanting!
2. Mild cramping on and off through the rest of this week.
3. Little twinges here and there.
4. A tad bit nauseous a couple of days.
5. A little bit of heartburn a couple of days.
6. I started having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night every night on Sunday, which I never used to do.
A lot of symptoms! Kinda crazy! It does kinda help to feel like something good is going on down there, but while waiting I seriously wondered if I was just miscarrying or if it was the hormones. Really hard to tell with some of it.
I know that I don't really know each of my EA blogging friends, but I love you anyway! I am praying that each of you gets a positive test! It has been such a sweeter journey traveling with those who understand : )
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Well... I think...
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| The glorious beautiful faint pink line! : ) |
I am taking one every day until Friday to see that faint line get darker. Sure enough, this morning's didn't let me down. Grateful!
We know that we aren't out of the woods yet, but grateful and celebrating for today! Praying like crazy that we get an awesome Beta on Friday and that all of you reading (who are desiring and trying) get pregnant too!!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
All I Can Do is Worship...
in order to keep me sane during this 2ww : )
I thought I would copy a link to this song by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What". Oh my goodness, I cry every time I listen! I found it on another blogger's site. Hope it encourages/uplifts those of you in the 2 week wait!!
I thought I would copy a link to this song by Kerrie Roberts called "No Matter What". Oh my goodness, I cry every time I listen! I found it on another blogger's site. Hope it encourages/uplifts those of you in the 2 week wait!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Embies on Board!
Well, we are back from Tennessee and trying to relax. Not so easy with a 22 month old who has been missing her mama! I thought I'd go ahead and document for you all my experience with the transfer and the symptoms I have experienced since.
On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me. Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw. I was so sad to hear this news. They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs. So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night. I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now. And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.
We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep. A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind. But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15. I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed! I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car. When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat. : )
They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while. In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably. I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well. But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby. I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!
Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos. They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it. The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC. I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC. I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant. But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!
Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick. Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better. Yay! He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us. So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.
I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom. My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor. I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!! Ha.
We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat. I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point. I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out! And the cramping was still going strong. Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping. From what I understand, it is pretty normal. However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy. Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better. Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out. So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.
First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us. The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace. The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there. We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something! Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous. We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us. What a sweet blessing! Grateful to have met them through this journey. We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to. Small world!
So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy. I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges". My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend. I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though. I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine. Any thoughts?
My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday. Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions?? Ha.
Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!
On Tuesday before leaving Atlanta, I got a phone call from Krisa who was supposed to have a transfer the same day as me. Many of you know that none of her embryos survived the thaw. I was so sad to hear this news. They were already in route to Knoxville though and decided to proceed with a transfer on Thursday using anonymous donor eggs. So, we decided to try to do dinner on Wednesday night. I was so looking forward to meeting her since we have been messaging for awhile now. And grateful that they could still proceed with a transfer, even if it wasn't exactly what they had originally wanted.
We arrived in Knoxville at 10:30 and tried to get some sleep. A bit hard for me with a bazillion things on my mind. But, we were set in the morning to be at the clinic at 9:15. I took all the meds they gave me to take, including the Valium that I decided in the morning that I definitely needed! I also drank about 40oz of water before getting into the car. When we arrived, I drank another 20 oz of water and they got me fitted in a beautiful fashion hospital gown with a trendy little hat. : )
 |
| Drinking WAY too much water! |
They told me that my embies were still in the incubator and we needed to wait just a little while. In the meantime, I began to shake uncontrollably. I thought I was just freezing, but the nurse told me that it had something to do with the Albuterol (one of the meds) as well. But, I knew I would feel better if I drank something hot and so my husband filled up my bottle with hot water from the lobby. I started feeling better, but after close to 80oz of water, I was ready to go!
Carol, the embryologist, and Dr. K came in to tell me the quality of the embryos. They thawed 3 embies and 1 didn't make it. The other 2 were graded at 4AB and 3BC. I am thinking that the 4AB is pretty good, but not too hopeful for the 3BC. I am trying not to get too caught up in the grading as I know that God is the only One who can make me pregnant. But, it would be helpful to hear other's experience with this grading stuff, if you have comments!
 |
| 4AB on top and 3BC bottom |
Anyhoo, I finally went back in for the transfer and it was relatively quick. Dr. K and the nurses told me that it was a textbook transfer and that it couldn't have gone any better. Yay! He then told me it was out of our hands now, but that he would be praying for us. So grateful to be working with a Christian doctor and nurses.
I went back to the recovery room and was dying to go to the bathroom. My bladder was actually too full and they had to make me empty it some after looking at it on the monitor. I don't know why it was too full since I only drank like 80oz!!! Ha.
We left after about an hour and picked up lunch at the Apple Cake Tea room and went back to the hotel to eat. I was super exhausted and had some mild cramping at that point. I fell asleep for about an hour after lunch, but woke up feeling totally wiped out! And the cramping was still going strong. Again, not sure what to think about all of this cramping. From what I understand, it is pretty normal. However, I was beginning to doubt that I could meet up with Krisa because I was feeling so lousy. Fortunately, after a couple more hours, I began to feel a little bit better. Still majorly crampy, but not wiped out. So, we went to meet with Krisa and her husband, Byron at Mittie's Cafe.
 |
| Krisa and Byron |
 |
| Me and Krisa |
First of all, while sitting with Krisa and Byron I realized that the last 3 times I had been to Mitties, major things were going on for us. The last time I was there, we decided on a name for my first daughter, Sadie Grace. The time before that was when one of my very best friends was getting married and we had a bridesmaids' luncheon there. We must subconsciously choose Mittie's or something! Meeting Krisa and Byron was fabulous. We got to hear their incredible story first hand, take pictures and finish with Byron praying over us. What a sweet blessing! Grateful to have met them through this journey. We also came to find out that they live in a very small town in Virginia that my parents are contemplating moving to. Small world!
So, we are back at home now and trying to take it easy. I am STILL cramping (Is this normal still?) and am experiencing lots of little "twinges". My husband, Jeff, took today and tomorrow off, so I will have plenty of help through the weekend. I will have to start picking Sadie up by myself on Monday though. I am a little concerned with this even though Dr. K said it should probably be fine. Any thoughts?
My beta is next Friday and I will probably POAS by Wednesday. Is that the earliest I can do that?
Have I asked you all enough questions?? Ha.
Praying that God blesses us with a child, but praying more that we will rest in whatever His decision is and praise Him through it all!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
A New Path...
It has been a LONG time since I last blogged. I think the trauma of the last failed adoption left me a little gun shy about sharing all of my news with the world. However, Jeff and I are still trying to add to our family and we are now on a new path... embryo adoption! I have so appreciated being able to read other family's blogs regarding their embryo adoptions that I feel the need to put myself out there again too. I love community and being able to process this journey with others who are going through the same thing is definitely helpful.
Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic. You can read more about them and embryo adoption here. I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer. This time next week I could be pregnant! Isn't that crazy? We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity. We will see how He decides in the next few weeks. The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God. Grateful again to have learned this truth.
Jeff and I are set to receive donated embryos this Wednesday, September 15th in Knoxville, Tennessee at the National Embryo Adoption Clinic. You can read more about them and embryo adoption here. I will post again on Wednesday after the transfer. This time next week I could be pregnant! Isn't that crazy? We are so very grateful to God for providing the opportunity. We will see how He decides in the next few weeks. The good news is that either way this turns out, we know that we serve the most amazing and good God. Grateful again to have learned this truth.
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Do not repay evil with evil...but with blessing." 1 Peter 3:9
I called Janie on Monday. I had been thinking about her a lot over the week and didn't feel comfortable with the police showing up at her door and telling them that we pressed charges against her. I felt that the right thing to do was for me to tell her what was going on and why. I wanted her to hear it directly from me. I didn't want her to think that we were pressing charges because we were still seething in anger. I can honestly say that Jeff and I are not trying to "pay them back" or anything like that. We just feel that it is probably the most loving option we have, and I wanted to tell her so. Without them having some kind of consequences with all of this, we aren't assured that they won't do it again nor are we assured that it won't get even worse. They are definitely headed down the wrong path.
So, I called Janie and let her know about cooperating with the authorities and, at the same time, offered my friendship to her if she agreed to come clean with me and stop telling lies. When we originally found out about the fraud, I told her that I would be there for her regardless of whether or not we received the child. What I meant by that was that if she chose to repent and go in the direction of God, I would not leave her and would walk through whatever repercussions she might face, regardless of what that meant for us. She said ok and was grateful, but still told us that she planned on placing the child with us. Well, obviously, she didn't come completely clean with me after that point. So, I decided that I needed to give her one more chance for honesty and forgiveness.
The conversation actually went pretty well. I told her that in order for me to walk through this with her, she needed to be honest with me. That I didn't have friends who consistently lie to me. When I told her that my friendship might not sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially since we are working with the authorities, she said, "Actually, it is" and she said that she understood why I was continuing to press charges. She confessed to me that she knew the baby was a girl since December 21st and knew they wouldn't place the child with us at that point. I told her that I had forgiven her, but that it was between me and God, and that I still wasn't sure if she was genuinely repentful for what she had done. Much of the conversation was allowing her to express the truth about the situation to me including the drug use, which I think brought her some relief. I also continued to encourage her that I had been forgiven of much worse and that God had brought me out of a huge pit and can do the same for her. She cried through much of our hour-long conversation, but I still don't completely believe that she is broken before God. Please pray with me that they begin taking the right steps towards humility and brokenness.
The verse that has been on my mind a lot recently has been 1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." I absolutely know in my heart that if this all had happened before I was a believer in Christ, that I would just write Janie off and maybe even try to make her life really miserable. I can't begin to tell you how gracious God's forgiveness is that He allows me to be free from any bitterness or anger towards them even to the point of desiring to bless them! I know that in my own little black heart, this would not be possible. But, God living in me is much different!!!
One of the thoughts I have been having recently is that I can be free from anger with Janie and Michael partly because I know that they are not the ones preventing me from coming home with that little girl. I believe that God is in control of all things, including man's evil intentions. He uses everything to work out His own purposes. His purpose will prevail no matter what plans are in the hearts of men. This concept is so easily shown in Genesis through the story of Joseph and his brothers. If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read it all (it is fascinating!) in Gen 37-50. Joseph's brothers sold him to slave traders because they were jealous of him. Through many miraculous events, he ends up as ruler over all Eygpt, which put him in the best situation to later preserve his brother's lives, save Egypt, and prepare the way for the beginning of the nation of Israel. One of Joseph's famous quotes after his brothers came and threw themselves at his feet begging for mercy is, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Janie and Michael intended to harm us, but I am resting in the fact that God is managing every detail of my life in order to work out His MUCH greater purposes. "All of ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" Psalm 25:10
The tension for Jeff and I is that Janie and Michael have 3 boys and now this little baby girl, Makalie, to take care of. At times it is hard for us to reconcile all of this, but we know that our God is a big God and is able to work all of this out for good regardless of whether or not they go to jail. They do have a lot of family who live next door and down the street. We know that Janie's mom (who died 1 1/2 years ago) took the boys when Janie was in jail a few years ago. I just know that if they are back into drugs, the children may be better off in another home anyway. I just hate that innocent children are in the middle of all of this drama. Please pray with me that the Lord protects their little hearts.
So, I called Janie and let her know about cooperating with the authorities and, at the same time, offered my friendship to her if she agreed to come clean with me and stop telling lies. When we originally found out about the fraud, I told her that I would be there for her regardless of whether or not we received the child. What I meant by that was that if she chose to repent and go in the direction of God, I would not leave her and would walk through whatever repercussions she might face, regardless of what that meant for us. She said ok and was grateful, but still told us that she planned on placing the child with us. Well, obviously, she didn't come completely clean with me after that point. So, I decided that I needed to give her one more chance for honesty and forgiveness.
The conversation actually went pretty well. I told her that in order for me to walk through this with her, she needed to be honest with me. That I didn't have friends who consistently lie to me. When I told her that my friendship might not sound like a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially since we are working with the authorities, she said, "Actually, it is" and she said that she understood why I was continuing to press charges. She confessed to me that she knew the baby was a girl since December 21st and knew they wouldn't place the child with us at that point. I told her that I had forgiven her, but that it was between me and God, and that I still wasn't sure if she was genuinely repentful for what she had done. Much of the conversation was allowing her to express the truth about the situation to me including the drug use, which I think brought her some relief. I also continued to encourage her that I had been forgiven of much worse and that God had brought me out of a huge pit and can do the same for her. She cried through much of our hour-long conversation, but I still don't completely believe that she is broken before God. Please pray with me that they begin taking the right steps towards humility and brokenness.
The verse that has been on my mind a lot recently has been 1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." I absolutely know in my heart that if this all had happened before I was a believer in Christ, that I would just write Janie off and maybe even try to make her life really miserable. I can't begin to tell you how gracious God's forgiveness is that He allows me to be free from any bitterness or anger towards them even to the point of desiring to bless them! I know that in my own little black heart, this would not be possible. But, God living in me is much different!!!
One of the thoughts I have been having recently is that I can be free from anger with Janie and Michael partly because I know that they are not the ones preventing me from coming home with that little girl. I believe that God is in control of all things, including man's evil intentions. He uses everything to work out His own purposes. His purpose will prevail no matter what plans are in the hearts of men. This concept is so easily shown in Genesis through the story of Joseph and his brothers. If you aren't familiar with the story, you can read it all (it is fascinating!) in Gen 37-50. Joseph's brothers sold him to slave traders because they were jealous of him. Through many miraculous events, he ends up as ruler over all Eygpt, which put him in the best situation to later preserve his brother's lives, save Egypt, and prepare the way for the beginning of the nation of Israel. One of Joseph's famous quotes after his brothers came and threw themselves at his feet begging for mercy is, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Janie and Michael intended to harm us, but I am resting in the fact that God is managing every detail of my life in order to work out His MUCH greater purposes. "All of ways of the Lord are loving and faithful" Psalm 25:10
The tension for Jeff and I is that Janie and Michael have 3 boys and now this little baby girl, Makalie, to take care of. At times it is hard for us to reconcile all of this, but we know that our God is a big God and is able to work all of this out for good regardless of whether or not they go to jail. They do have a lot of family who live next door and down the street. We know that Janie's mom (who died 1 1/2 years ago) took the boys when Janie was in jail a few years ago. I just know that if they are back into drugs, the children may be better off in another home anyway. I just hate that innocent children are in the middle of all of this drama. Please pray with me that the Lord protects their little hearts.
Friday, March 12, 2010
New Revelations
We received a call from a social worker on Tuesday who told us that Janie's baby tested positive for drugs. This news shocked me! Janie was completely drug-free with Sadie. No drugs. No alcohol. Nothing. And she had told me several times that she had never used drugs or alcohol. I didn't have a reason not to believe her because Sadie was drug-free.
This news really sent me for a loop, but it also helped to explain a lot of things and actually made me feel better somehow. I am now thinking that the extra money went towards drugs, not this extortion theory she had originally told me. Or, if she was being extorted at all, it was probably drug-related.
I also got a phone call from the agency worker in Massachusetts who told me that they were now going to press charges. They were originally going to let it go, if they had placed the baby with us. I spoke with the Commonwealth attorney in Lawrence County who heard my story and then asked me who the couple was. I said, "Janie and Michael Y...." to which he replied, "I unfortunately know them." Ugh.
The attorney put me in touch with a detective, who wanted all of our information including voice mails and receipts. That detective is also collecting information from the agency. He told me that they would probably be picking them up in the next couple of weeks as soon as he can sort through the evidence. What they did is a felony and punishable for up to 5 years.
It feels better to have moved through that portion of this journey, but I also feel somewhat conflicted. I really don't have any anger or bitterness towards them anymore. The imaginary conversations in my head are completely gone. I do believe that I am moving towards forgiveness. The saddest part for me is that they have 3 boys at home and now a precious little girl whom they may not see for a good long while. It just breaks my heart for their children. Plus, I truly believe that Janie is a believer and has a relationship with God. I continually pray that she will repent of the way she is going and turn back to Him. I also pray for an opportunity to extend forgiveness to her so that she may tangibly experience the forgiveness of God. I know in my heart that I am no better or different than them and am grateful for a God who has forgiven me of much worse.
While I hate to see them have to suffer the consequences of their sin, I also know that it often takes us having to be in the pit before we will turn to God. This is how it was for me. So, I am trusting that this is not the end of the story. I pray that I get to see redemption on this side of eternity.
The biggest thing I need prayer for now is grieving the loss of the baby. Being at my parent's house helps to ease the pain, but I know I will need to go back home this weekend. The thought of being at the house and getting on with daily life seems hard to me. I covet your prayers as we move towards that transition. And prayers as we determine next steps to add to our family.
We love you all and are so grateful for your love and encouragement!
This news really sent me for a loop, but it also helped to explain a lot of things and actually made me feel better somehow. I am now thinking that the extra money went towards drugs, not this extortion theory she had originally told me. Or, if she was being extorted at all, it was probably drug-related.
I also got a phone call from the agency worker in Massachusetts who told me that they were now going to press charges. They were originally going to let it go, if they had placed the baby with us. I spoke with the Commonwealth attorney in Lawrence County who heard my story and then asked me who the couple was. I said, "Janie and Michael Y...." to which he replied, "I unfortunately know them." Ugh.
The attorney put me in touch with a detective, who wanted all of our information including voice mails and receipts. That detective is also collecting information from the agency. He told me that they would probably be picking them up in the next couple of weeks as soon as he can sort through the evidence. What they did is a felony and punishable for up to 5 years.
It feels better to have moved through that portion of this journey, but I also feel somewhat conflicted. I really don't have any anger or bitterness towards them anymore. The imaginary conversations in my head are completely gone. I do believe that I am moving towards forgiveness. The saddest part for me is that they have 3 boys at home and now a precious little girl whom they may not see for a good long while. It just breaks my heart for their children. Plus, I truly believe that Janie is a believer and has a relationship with God. I continually pray that she will repent of the way she is going and turn back to Him. I also pray for an opportunity to extend forgiveness to her so that she may tangibly experience the forgiveness of God. I know in my heart that I am no better or different than them and am grateful for a God who has forgiven me of much worse.
While I hate to see them have to suffer the consequences of their sin, I also know that it often takes us having to be in the pit before we will turn to God. This is how it was for me. So, I am trusting that this is not the end of the story. I pray that I get to see redemption on this side of eternity.
The biggest thing I need prayer for now is grieving the loss of the baby. Being at my parent's house helps to ease the pain, but I know I will need to go back home this weekend. The thought of being at the house and getting on with daily life seems hard to me. I covet your prayers as we move towards that transition. And prayers as we determine next steps to add to our family.
We love you all and are so grateful for your love and encouragement!
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