God is SO very good!

Hey all,

I was traveling in my car up to the clinic again this morning for another round of blood work when I began to listen to this song by Watermark.  I don't know what it is about Christy Knockels and her voice and lyrics, but her songs usher the very presence of God into my awareness like no other.  I actually had this very song played at my wedding while we were taking communion.  I just love it so much.

Anyway, while listening to this song and watching the most amazing sunrise unfold before me on the horizon, God ministered to my soul.  He loves us SO very much!!  It is crazy!  Just a drop of His infinite love heals a myriad of heartaches.  His whispers reminded me that He has given me SO very much since I first encountered Him almost 13 years ago now.  My life, relationships, and emotions changed radically after I saw what a sinner I was and asked Him for forgiveness and grace.  He has given me salvation, grace, peace, eternal life with Him, purpose and meaning, an inheritance in heaven, and so much more!  He loved me so much that He did not even withhold His only Son from me.  Instead He gave His only Son that I might have LIFE and have it in abundance (John 10:10)!!  So, in light of all that He has given to me and how He has demonstrated His love to me ("But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Rom 5:8), who am I to ever question his goodness towards me??  He, who did not even withhold his only Son, is not Someone who withholds anything that He deems good for His children!

I don't know what today holds or the next or the next, but one thing I do know: As believers in Christ, we never walk alone.  I am able to handle any kind of heartache and disappointment because God gives me the grace and peace to do so.  Our journey in adoption has not been an easy road, but I can honestly say that the sorrow I have experienced has always been mingled with JOY.  And I'm not talking about because circumstances went my way (which they didn't always - we lost Sadie's sibling to adoption fraud), but because God had always met me in my deepest pain and touched me with His healing love.  I can live without everything else, but take away Jesus and my life would be utter devastation.  I can endure anything with Him by my side and not only that - I can actually experience joy in the process.  A.MA.ZING.  You can't get much better than that, people! : )

I will be getting our results back in the afternoon and will keep you posted!
Tracey

New number...

is... 50!

So, the number more than doubled, but we are still realists and know that we are in no way out of the woods.  Kelly, the IVF nurse, shared with us that we may just have a slow grower.  It is just too early still to tell.  I know enough to know that the number could peak like this, but then taper off the next time or it could go all the way up to the u/s just to experience heartache there.  We are just trying to rest in what God has revealed to us right now while not getting our hopes up too much.

This morning I felt God telling me, "Tracey, I am taking you on a faith journey.  Trust me.  I have something I want to show you."

I don't want to miss what God has for me.

I shared this thought with my husband, who then proceeded to tell me that I needed to STOP taking any kind of home pregnancy tests and STOP googling.  We had a really good conversation about what it looked like to trust God in this situation.  I have such a hard time in the "gray area".  I want to have more and more information in order to release my anxiety by giving me an ounce of hope or to show me that it isn't going to happen.  It never really works very well.  : )  Why? Because we can only find peace in God, not in circumstances.  In the waiting I need to go to God (not Google!) and ask Him for what I desire, but also submit my will to His. Our conversation brought me back to the time during our first daughter's adoption when God had us pray and ask Him for specific things and He answered them ABUNDANTLY.  Here is that post.  It was honestly like He was showing off!  I felt like He was telling me then that I didn't have to take care of things on my own and didn't need to control the situation - that I could trust Him to take care of me and what we needed.  It was honestly one of the most amazing days with God that I can remember.

After talking a bit, Jeff felt He knew what we needed in this situation and was led to pray that we would experience JOY in the waiting.  JOY in the roller coaster ride with God and what He will reveal to us and how.  Honestly, joy in the gray would be somewhat of a new experience for me.  I want that!!  I always know that whichever way God answers, I will praise Him and trust that His plan is perfect, but to have JOY waiting on the unknown is hard.

If you would like to pray for us, this is our prayer... that we would experience true joy in this adventure know matter how it turns out.  It could end in the next couple of days or it could end in another few weeks or it could end in 8 more months!  We don't know, but we desire to be joyful, not anxious, in the process.  We will be getting more testing done on either Friday or Monday.  Kelly should let us know tomorrow.

Please feel free to give me your thoughts about how to experience joy in the waiting.  I would love to hear!  Thanks so much again for all of your love and encouragement.  I just love our EA community!!

: ( : (

Well... my beta was only 17.  So very sad, but something I already kinda knew in my heart.  I had already prepared for the worst, so this news didn't surprise me a whole lot.  Kelly, our nurse, told me that she has seen this go either way, so I still need to go in for another beta on Wednesday.  But, in doing a little research, there was a survey done of 3100 pregnancies which led to healthy babies and only 67 of those pregnancies started in the range of my beta.  So, could it happen for me?  Absolutely.  I know that all things are possible with God!  However, I am preparing for the fact that God may be giving me a "no" on this one.  If you would like to pray for me, please pray that I can hear clearly from God during this time.  I have such a hard time discerning His still small voice when the emotions are high.  I usually hear much better from Him when a decision has already been made.  I just really want to hear from Him and feel close to Him during the "gray area".  I would be grateful for your prayers.

I will let you know how it goes on Wednesday.  God is SO very good either way and we are so grateful for the two beautiful blessings we already have!

Tracey

Well....

It looks like I am preggo!!  I took this test this morning.  We are so thrilled!  However, we are cautiously anticipating the beta number and praying that it will be over 50 as that is the number our doctor would like to see.  I haven't heard from them yet, but will let you know when we do.

Thanks so much for those of you praying for us.  I really do appreciate it!  It has been a different ride in faith this time than with Keller already.  I am trying to rest in God's peace and sovereignty, knowing that His will is totally perfect.

I will get back with you!! : )
Tracey

6dp5dt

Well, it is officially six days post a 5 day blastocyst transfer and I tested negative this morning with a First Response test - pretty much the most sensitive test on the market.  I tested positive on this day with Keller and then realized that the line on day 5 was actually there too, just super super faint.  The crazy thing is that I feel so pregnant!!!  I definitely have all of the symptoms I had with Keller - all the twinges, pulling, tightness, cramping, having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and some queasiness.  You name it, I've had it as far as at the same symptoms go.  So, if I am not pregnant, I will have to believe that all the symptoms with Keller were just due to all the hormones too.  I really don't know what to think about all of this.  I was certain I was pregnant!!!

I know, I know that I COULD still be preggo, but I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best too.  I will not test again until Monday before the beta.  I don't think I can handle seeing another white stick : (

Really praying for a genetic sibling for Keller and for the opportunity to be pregnant again.  I just loved it.

On another quick note.... Sadie's birth mom just contacted me yesterday via Facebook.  We aren't friends on FB anymore, so she just messaged me asking if we could talk and if we couldn't, could she see pictures of Sadie.  I see this as a really good sign.  We messaged back and forth for awhile and this morning the thought occurred to me to tell her to write to Sadie and when she did, we would send her pictures and drawings, etc... They could be like pen pals.  I think this will be a great way to give her the motivation to invest in Sadie and will be so great for Sadie as she gets older!  I'm not sure how our relationship will be yet, but at the end of the day it really doesn't matter.  What matters is that Sadie knows that her birthmother loves her and wants to be in her life.  I think this is a good way of doing that.

Thanks for everyone's support and encouragement!

Our Sibling Transfer

Well, I guess I am somewhat back!  I decided to go ahead and post about this last transfer for the support of everyone in the community : )  I really love the EA community!  We had our transfer of Keller's 2 sibling embryos on Saturday morning.  Here is a picture of our sweet embies and of the IVF coordinator, Kelly and our sweet recovery nurse, Sandy.

For the embies, the one on the left is a 5AA and the one on the right is a 3BC.  We were so thrilled to find out that both of our remaining embryos survived the thaw and that one of them was such a great quality!  Can't get much better than that!  But, I also know that quality doesn't definitely mean pregnancy, so I am trying to not put too much stock into it.

After the transfer, my hubby and I went back to the hotel and had a GLORIOUS day of doing a big fat NOTHING!  So completely wonderful when you have 2 little ones at home : )  Later that evening, we got cabin fever so went out for dinner at Mimi's cafe (I wasn't feeling too hungry) and went to Starbucks for about an hour.

Since the transfer, I have been feeling pretty much the same way I felt the first go around - crampy.  We just got back into Atlanta and so I am resting while my sweet husband manages the kids.  When I saw Keller after getting back home, she came toddling toward me with such a huge grin on her face and I couldn't help but get emotional about the fact that I was potentially carrying 2 of her genetic siblings in my uterus.  What a blessing it would be for her to grow up with a genetic sibling!!  It is honestly the main reason why we decided to go back for these last 2 embies.  We couldn't imagine having the conversation with her years down the road about how we gave her sibling embryos back to the donation pool.  So, even though we are both in our 40s, we decided that we would leave the decision up to the Lord.   And, I will have to say that we always really wanted 3 kiddos and never really felt like our family was complete just yet.

So, we WAIT!  My beta is a week from Monday, but like the last time, I am not much for patience : )  and will be POAS probably Thursday morning.

Thanks so much for those of you keeping up with me!!  
Tracey

Another September Transfer

Hey Everyone,

I know that I haven't been in the blogging world much at all this past year, but wondered if anyone else was going to be going back anytime soon for sibling embryos.  We are set for another September transfer with our remaining 2 embryos.  Can't believe it!  Not sure I am ready to be preggo again, but at my age, we kinda need to get cracking'! : )  I'd love to hear your thoughts on when you will be going back, if ever.

love to you all!
Tracey