What's Next?

I want to thank everyone again for all of the outpouring of love and support through this miscarriage.  It really has been a rough road.  I was doing really well until yesterday when I started boohooing again after praying for a good friend of mine who was going in for her last 2 embryos (her own genetic children) that morning.  Transfer day holds so much excitement and promise!!  You know you are at least pregnant until proven otherwise and just seeing your sweet embies on the flat screen brings out all of your maternal instincts.  I just wish our transfer turned out differently.

So, what's next for us?  Well, while it is really hard right now to envision us having a third child who isn't Keller's sibling, we are still thinking of a couple of options.

1)  Our China adoption (which was started back in 2006!) will be coming up in probably 8 months.

2) Doing another transfer.

If we do another transfer, we would REALLY like to adopt some more anonymous embryos but would like the opportunity for any baby(ies) born to know their genetic siblings, even if they are living in another house.  What I am trying to say is that we would like to "partner" with someone who may have some anonymous sibling embryos left, but don't think that they will be using them or maybe have already relinquished them back to the NEDC.  This way, any baby born will get the chance to know their genetic siblings.  Make sense?  The other way of doing this would be to adopt some anonymous embies and then try to find a family for the remaining embryos.

We already have one couple who has one embryo left over after having triplets.  Dr K. and Lauren at the NEDC think that it shouldn't be a problem for us to adopt this extra embryo as it is still available.  And it would be SO fabulous to know that if a baby is born, it already has 3 genetic siblings waiting to meet him or her!  However, we need more than one to move forward.  So, if you or anyone you know would be interested, let us know!  We can tell you what information we need from there.

3) Our last option would be to do nothing and just settle in with the two sweet girls we already have.  : )

Thanks everyone!
Tracey

Heaven just got a little sweeter

We went in for another round of blood work today to see what my numbers would do.  We really wanted to avoid going to get an ultrasound, if at all possible.  We got the call around 4:30 that my hcG was now around 50 (down from 286).  We were preparing for this moment, so it hasn't been as hard as this past week has been for us.  On the way to a meeting tonight, I thought about what God's reasons could be to not bless us (and Keller) with Keller's siblings and decided that it really didn't matter what the reasons are - I totally trust that He has our best interest and His greater plan in mind.  It gave me a huge amount of peace.  I also have joy knowing that Keller's sweet siblings are in the only home they will ever know - heaven.

Thanks so much for all you have done to encourage and support us.  You are an awesome community!
Tracey

While we wait...

One of my dear fellow EA community friends, Shannon, sent me the sweetest email/post that has helped both my husband and I so much.  With her permission, here is a portion of what she wrote...

"Cast your eyes upon your Savior, friend. Hug tightly to your hubby. slow, deep breaths, lots of outside time and fresh air.

Something I would do during what you are going through presently?

I decided that no matter what, I KNEW that God had chosen me to be a mother to these baby(ies) as long as He numbered their days. What I mean is that I learned to treasure each and every day as their mother from the beginning. 

Go sit and rock your babies in your womb. Pat your belly, sing hymns to them, read Scripture to them. Laugh at thinking about how cute they already are. Smile, cry tears of joy and eternal hope and you know what? The enemy will flee so far away! Rest in His arms and cradle your precious tiny ones during this time. ((hugs))"

These words really hit home for me and helped me in the grieving process.  In another email, Shannon also suggested that I take some pictures while I am still pregnant with the family and Keller.  Such wise words!  I know that Keller will appreciate those pictures in years to come.  Funny thing is that we already have a photo shoot set up for this Saturday.  But, we took one this morning just in case something happens before then.   I know that the final word isn't out there yet, but I am preparing my heart for what looks like the inevitable.

Me, Keller, and sweet embie in tow : )

I can't even begin to tell you how appreciative I am of our EA community.  I haven't met any of you except for Krisa, yet you have become dear friends.  I am so very grateful for the love and support you have poured out to me over the past couple of weeks.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  

I am going in for one more blood draw on Thursday just to see where the HcG level is to determine if I definitely need to go to get an ultrasound.  I'd rather avoid it, if at all possible.  I will let you all know the results when I get them.  

Thanks so much again : )

Tracey

5 weeks pregnant

Hey all,

My beta came back at 286 today, which had a doubling time of about 58 hours.  Our nurse told us that they were fine with the doubling rate, but that a number of 286 at 5 weeks is really really low.  Still not completely impossible, but it isn't looking good.  They want me to go in for an ultrasound in the next couple of weeks.

If we don't have a viable pregnancy, I sure would like to know sooner than later, but I don't know that getting an ultrasound next week will tell us what we need since my numbers are so low.  The nurse seemed to think that I may have to have the u/s repeated if I go in next week.

I've gotta say that this is a grueling process : (  We are grieving, but also trusting in God and experiencing His peace.  There is joy knowing that Keller's little siblings may be ushered straight into Jesus's arms instead of ever walking here on this earth.  We definitely would like to meet them, but it also feels so good to know that they are no longer in the frozen tundra state.

We will keep you posted... please pray that God gives us some finality soon.

Tracey

The number keeps doubling!

Yes, that's right!  Our new hcG number is 120!  Still not out of the woods, but the nurse told us that the numbers are very optimistic.  We will take it for now!!

We go back in on Monday for yet another beta test.  Will keep you posted!

Have a great weekend : )
Tracey

God is SO very good!

Hey all,

I was traveling in my car up to the clinic again this morning for another round of blood work when I began to listen to this song by Watermark.  I don't know what it is about Christy Knockels and her voice and lyrics, but her songs usher the very presence of God into my awareness like no other.  I actually had this very song played at my wedding while we were taking communion.  I just love it so much.

Anyway, while listening to this song and watching the most amazing sunrise unfold before me on the horizon, God ministered to my soul.  He loves us SO very much!!  It is crazy!  Just a drop of His infinite love heals a myriad of heartaches.  His whispers reminded me that He has given me SO very much since I first encountered Him almost 13 years ago now.  My life, relationships, and emotions changed radically after I saw what a sinner I was and asked Him for forgiveness and grace.  He has given me salvation, grace, peace, eternal life with Him, purpose and meaning, an inheritance in heaven, and so much more!  He loved me so much that He did not even withhold His only Son from me.  Instead He gave His only Son that I might have LIFE and have it in abundance (John 10:10)!!  So, in light of all that He has given to me and how He has demonstrated His love to me ("But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Rom 5:8), who am I to ever question his goodness towards me??  He, who did not even withhold his only Son, is not Someone who withholds anything that He deems good for His children!

I don't know what today holds or the next or the next, but one thing I do know: As believers in Christ, we never walk alone.  I am able to handle any kind of heartache and disappointment because God gives me the grace and peace to do so.  Our journey in adoption has not been an easy road, but I can honestly say that the sorrow I have experienced has always been mingled with JOY.  And I'm not talking about because circumstances went my way (which they didn't always - we lost Sadie's sibling to adoption fraud), but because God had always met me in my deepest pain and touched me with His healing love.  I can live without everything else, but take away Jesus and my life would be utter devastation.  I can endure anything with Him by my side and not only that - I can actually experience joy in the process.  A.MA.ZING.  You can't get much better than that, people! : )

I will be getting our results back in the afternoon and will keep you posted!
Tracey

New number...

is... 50!

So, the number more than doubled, but we are still realists and know that we are in no way out of the woods.  Kelly, the IVF nurse, shared with us that we may just have a slow grower.  It is just too early still to tell.  I know enough to know that the number could peak like this, but then taper off the next time or it could go all the way up to the u/s just to experience heartache there.  We are just trying to rest in what God has revealed to us right now while not getting our hopes up too much.

This morning I felt God telling me, "Tracey, I am taking you on a faith journey.  Trust me.  I have something I want to show you."

I don't want to miss what God has for me.

I shared this thought with my husband, who then proceeded to tell me that I needed to STOP taking any kind of home pregnancy tests and STOP googling.  We had a really good conversation about what it looked like to trust God in this situation.  I have such a hard time in the "gray area".  I want to have more and more information in order to release my anxiety by giving me an ounce of hope or to show me that it isn't going to happen.  It never really works very well.  : )  Why? Because we can only find peace in God, not in circumstances.  In the waiting I need to go to God (not Google!) and ask Him for what I desire, but also submit my will to His. Our conversation brought me back to the time during our first daughter's adoption when God had us pray and ask Him for specific things and He answered them ABUNDANTLY.  Here is that post.  It was honestly like He was showing off!  I felt like He was telling me then that I didn't have to take care of things on my own and didn't need to control the situation - that I could trust Him to take care of me and what we needed.  It was honestly one of the most amazing days with God that I can remember.

After talking a bit, Jeff felt He knew what we needed in this situation and was led to pray that we would experience JOY in the waiting.  JOY in the roller coaster ride with God and what He will reveal to us and how.  Honestly, joy in the gray would be somewhat of a new experience for me.  I want that!!  I always know that whichever way God answers, I will praise Him and trust that His plan is perfect, but to have JOY waiting on the unknown is hard.

If you would like to pray for us, this is our prayer... that we would experience true joy in this adventure know matter how it turns out.  It could end in the next couple of days or it could end in another few weeks or it could end in 8 more months!  We don't know, but we desire to be joyful, not anxious, in the process.  We will be getting more testing done on either Friday or Monday.  Kelly should let us know tomorrow.

Please feel free to give me your thoughts about how to experience joy in the waiting.  I would love to hear!  Thanks so much again for all of your love and encouragement.  I just love our EA community!!