God at Work...

You all may remember in my last post that we were trying to decide on our next steps in building our family. Honestly, this decision has been the hardest decision we have had to make in our 8 years of marriage.  I think because we are in our 40s, we couldn't even decide if we still wanted to continue with trying for a 3rd child and it was also hard to imagine any third child not being Keller's genetic sibling.  But, over the weeks, we haven't felt content in settling in with just 2, so the decision became how to go about adding the third.

We had settled on embryo adoption after much discussion and prayer with the hopes of adopting some sibling embryos of one (or more) of our blogging friends.  We had gotten the go ahead with one sibling embryo from a friend, but needed at least 5 per the NEDC's recommendation.  This recommendation got us in a bit of a quandary.  We really didn't want to adopt more anonymous embryos without some genetic sibling link.  It just didn't feel "right" to us, but we only had 1 to transfer and we didn't feel comfortable moving forward with just the one.  So, I began to pray that the Lord would make our path super clear.  It all seemed pretty hazy to me at that point.  To make things even hazier, our agency for our China adoption called us for the first time in like 6 years!!  And they wanted to know if we were ready to receive our referral as it would be coming in the next month or so.  I had kinda given up on China, so the phone call brought back all of my initial feelings about adopting a child from China.

During this hazy period, we decided to move forward with both adoptions - China and embryo - while praying that God would make our path clear as to what to do.  So, we picked out some more anonymous donor profiles, but didn't feel super great about any of them and we filed for a postponement on our China referral.  While working with Lauren to pick the anonymous profiles, I found out that they don't change the donor profile number after any left over embryos have been relinquished.  Lauren knew our desire to adopt some sibling embryos of someone from our blogging community and was willing to work with me.  So, I asked Krisa if they happened to have had any embryos that they relinquished after their last transfer and she said "no", but that she believed that Jennifer and Aaron did.  You can read Jennifer's side of this story on her blog.  So, I asked Jennifer and she was really excited about the possible prospect of Jeff and I adopting any sibling embryos of Abel and Belle.  She gave me the donor number and I checked the 100+ profiles that I had at the house to see if their number was in there.  It wasn't.  I figured that it had been 2 years and that the embryos had already been used, but (just to be thorough) I decided to contact Lauren to make sure that she had sent me all of the profiles.  I specifically inquired about Abel and Belle's donor profile number.

After I sent Lauren an email inquiring about Jennifer and Aaron's embryos, she replied the next day.  This is what she said...  "I am glad you asked about that one.  It is available, but got put back on the shelf without being scanned in.  We were discussing this chart the other day to make sure that it hasn't been reserved and I think the person that does the billing put it in the wrong place.  I have attached the profile for you to view."

Is that not crazy?!  I immediately called her, of course, and she told me that if I had not asked for that profile by number, she probably would never have found it.  It had been "misplaced" by the last person who put the chart back.  And who else was going to ask for that profile by number?  To me, it was like God had set them aside specifically for us.  Lauren thought the same thing.  She told me that because this profile has 5 embryos, she knew that it would have been taken quickly had they known it was available to use.

The other cool thing is that Lauren let me know everything else that has happened with these embryos, so I was able to share all of the information with Jennifer, who has been wondering what has happened with Abel and Belle's siblings.  It has been such a God thing!

The greatest thing for me is that my heart has been so heavy thinking about all of the anonymous donor receivers and the possible relationships that could be occurring between families and siblings.  I have wondered if there was a way to connect these families together.  I feel that there would be so many benefits for anonymous genetic siblings living in different families to get the chance to know one another.  I pray that we will be able to have that opportunity with Abel and Belle.  I am also praying that somehow, someway there can be some sort of service at the NEDC to foster these types of relationships or allow the opportunity for them to occur.  If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

So, our transfer is set for January 16th.  If we do not get pregnant, we will most likely move forward with our China adoption.  Jeff and I both feel unified moving in this direction, which has not been an easy road to come by.  I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to finally be unified with my hubby!  Thank you, God!!  We are grateful for you and for your support and prayers over this journey.  The past miscarriage was one of the toughest losses I have experienced.  You all made the journey much more bearable.  Thanks so much again : )

Hope you all enjoy this wonderful season.  I love the magic of Christmas!!
Tracey

What's Next?

I want to thank everyone again for all of the outpouring of love and support through this miscarriage.  It really has been a rough road.  I was doing really well until yesterday when I started boohooing again after praying for a good friend of mine who was going in for her last 2 embryos (her own genetic children) that morning.  Transfer day holds so much excitement and promise!!  You know you are at least pregnant until proven otherwise and just seeing your sweet embies on the flat screen brings out all of your maternal instincts.  I just wish our transfer turned out differently.

So, what's next for us?  Well, while it is really hard right now to envision us having a third child who isn't Keller's sibling, we are still thinking of a couple of options.

1)  Our China adoption (which was started back in 2006!) will be coming up in probably 8 months.

2) Doing another transfer.

If we do another transfer, we would REALLY like to adopt some more anonymous embryos but would like the opportunity for any baby(ies) born to know their genetic siblings, even if they are living in another house.  What I am trying to say is that we would like to "partner" with someone who may have some anonymous sibling embryos left, but don't think that they will be using them or maybe have already relinquished them back to the NEDC.  This way, any baby born will get the chance to know their genetic siblings.  Make sense?  The other way of doing this would be to adopt some anonymous embies and then try to find a family for the remaining embryos.

We already have one couple who has one embryo left over after having triplets.  Dr K. and Lauren at the NEDC think that it shouldn't be a problem for us to adopt this extra embryo as it is still available.  And it would be SO fabulous to know that if a baby is born, it already has 3 genetic siblings waiting to meet him or her!  However, we need more than one to move forward.  So, if you or anyone you know would be interested, let us know!  We can tell you what information we need from there.

3) Our last option would be to do nothing and just settle in with the two sweet girls we already have.  : )

Thanks everyone!
Tracey

Heaven just got a little sweeter

We went in for another round of blood work today to see what my numbers would do.  We really wanted to avoid going to get an ultrasound, if at all possible.  We got the call around 4:30 that my hcG was now around 50 (down from 286).  We were preparing for this moment, so it hasn't been as hard as this past week has been for us.  On the way to a meeting tonight, I thought about what God's reasons could be to not bless us (and Keller) with Keller's siblings and decided that it really didn't matter what the reasons are - I totally trust that He has our best interest and His greater plan in mind.  It gave me a huge amount of peace.  I also have joy knowing that Keller's sweet siblings are in the only home they will ever know - heaven.

Thanks so much for all you have done to encourage and support us.  You are an awesome community!
Tracey

While we wait...

One of my dear fellow EA community friends, Shannon, sent me the sweetest email/post that has helped both my husband and I so much.  With her permission, here is a portion of what she wrote...

"Cast your eyes upon your Savior, friend. Hug tightly to your hubby. slow, deep breaths, lots of outside time and fresh air.

Something I would do during what you are going through presently?

I decided that no matter what, I KNEW that God had chosen me to be a mother to these baby(ies) as long as He numbered their days. What I mean is that I learned to treasure each and every day as their mother from the beginning. 

Go sit and rock your babies in your womb. Pat your belly, sing hymns to them, read Scripture to them. Laugh at thinking about how cute they already are. Smile, cry tears of joy and eternal hope and you know what? The enemy will flee so far away! Rest in His arms and cradle your precious tiny ones during this time. ((hugs))"

These words really hit home for me and helped me in the grieving process.  In another email, Shannon also suggested that I take some pictures while I am still pregnant with the family and Keller.  Such wise words!  I know that Keller will appreciate those pictures in years to come.  Funny thing is that we already have a photo shoot set up for this Saturday.  But, we took one this morning just in case something happens before then.   I know that the final word isn't out there yet, but I am preparing my heart for what looks like the inevitable.

Me, Keller, and sweet embie in tow : )

I can't even begin to tell you how appreciative I am of our EA community.  I haven't met any of you except for Krisa, yet you have become dear friends.  I am so very grateful for the love and support you have poured out to me over the past couple of weeks.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  

I am going in for one more blood draw on Thursday just to see where the HcG level is to determine if I definitely need to go to get an ultrasound.  I'd rather avoid it, if at all possible.  I will let you all know the results when I get them.  

Thanks so much again : )

Tracey

5 weeks pregnant

Hey all,

My beta came back at 286 today, which had a doubling time of about 58 hours.  Our nurse told us that they were fine with the doubling rate, but that a number of 286 at 5 weeks is really really low.  Still not completely impossible, but it isn't looking good.  They want me to go in for an ultrasound in the next couple of weeks.

If we don't have a viable pregnancy, I sure would like to know sooner than later, but I don't know that getting an ultrasound next week will tell us what we need since my numbers are so low.  The nurse seemed to think that I may have to have the u/s repeated if I go in next week.

I've gotta say that this is a grueling process : (  We are grieving, but also trusting in God and experiencing His peace.  There is joy knowing that Keller's little siblings may be ushered straight into Jesus's arms instead of ever walking here on this earth.  We definitely would like to meet them, but it also feels so good to know that they are no longer in the frozen tundra state.

We will keep you posted... please pray that God gives us some finality soon.

Tracey

The number keeps doubling!

Yes, that's right!  Our new hcG number is 120!  Still not out of the woods, but the nurse told us that the numbers are very optimistic.  We will take it for now!!

We go back in on Monday for yet another beta test.  Will keep you posted!

Have a great weekend : )
Tracey

God is SO very good!

Hey all,

I was traveling in my car up to the clinic again this morning for another round of blood work when I began to listen to this song by Watermark.  I don't know what it is about Christy Knockels and her voice and lyrics, but her songs usher the very presence of God into my awareness like no other.  I actually had this very song played at my wedding while we were taking communion.  I just love it so much.

Anyway, while listening to this song and watching the most amazing sunrise unfold before me on the horizon, God ministered to my soul.  He loves us SO very much!!  It is crazy!  Just a drop of His infinite love heals a myriad of heartaches.  His whispers reminded me that He has given me SO very much since I first encountered Him almost 13 years ago now.  My life, relationships, and emotions changed radically after I saw what a sinner I was and asked Him for forgiveness and grace.  He has given me salvation, grace, peace, eternal life with Him, purpose and meaning, an inheritance in heaven, and so much more!  He loved me so much that He did not even withhold His only Son from me.  Instead He gave His only Son that I might have LIFE and have it in abundance (John 10:10)!!  So, in light of all that He has given to me and how He has demonstrated His love to me ("But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Rom 5:8), who am I to ever question his goodness towards me??  He, who did not even withhold his only Son, is not Someone who withholds anything that He deems good for His children!

I don't know what today holds or the next or the next, but one thing I do know: As believers in Christ, we never walk alone.  I am able to handle any kind of heartache and disappointment because God gives me the grace and peace to do so.  Our journey in adoption has not been an easy road, but I can honestly say that the sorrow I have experienced has always been mingled with JOY.  And I'm not talking about because circumstances went my way (which they didn't always - we lost Sadie's sibling to adoption fraud), but because God had always met me in my deepest pain and touched me with His healing love.  I can live without everything else, but take away Jesus and my life would be utter devastation.  I can endure anything with Him by my side and not only that - I can actually experience joy in the process.  A.MA.ZING.  You can't get much better than that, people! : )

I will be getting our results back in the afternoon and will keep you posted!
Tracey